In short, if you have struggled, you have fought the fight worth fighting. Beautiful people are not born, but they do grow.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Maid, Mother, Victim
A recent article in Newsweek, "The Maid's Tale," by Christopher Dickey, tells the story of IMF President Dominique Strauss-Kahn's alleged rape victim Nafissatou Diallo, a hotel maid at Sofitel in New York. In assembling the case defending Strauss-Kahn, Diallo's entire background is being questioned, from her relationships with seemingly nefarious persons to her role as a single mother. But is it fair to bring Diallo's single motherhood into the case against her statements? Working as a hotel maid, Diallo makes $25 per hour, and her days are not short. One has to ask, is the Strauss-Kahn defense asking the right questions? Why would they seem to believe that being a single mother would implicate falsehood in Diallo's statements? The role, as we know, is not a negative one, but rather one that takes strength beyond what most parents can understand. Shouldn't being a single mother instead show Diallo's positive qualities, of being able to provide a decent life for her family? Perhaps the Strauss-Kahn defense should be asking if her family is happy, provided for, and has a healthy home life, as being a single mother should not be thought of as a detriment to one's character. What do you think?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday Inspiration
In our lives as parents, it's so easy to take each day for granted. We know what it is to love a child, of course, but it never hurts to remind ourselves every now and again. Here is your first of many doses of Wednesday Inspiration, for that time of the week when you may need it most.
Blessings,
Cathleen
Blessings,
Cathleen
Monday, February 21, 2011
Is Your Child’s Coach a Sexual Predator? by Cathleen Williams, Esq.
A suit filed in March of 2010 brought major allegations about widespread sexual abuse of young swimmers throughout USA Swimming. The suit claims since 1993, at least 32 swim coaches at clubs around the country allegedly abused their swimmers.
A 61-year-old coach of a girls’ soccer team in Virginia was arrested on charges of producing child pornography by secretly videotaping girls changing into bathing suits at his home.
A 44-year-old man was alleged to have used his position as a father, neighbor and youth basketball coach to gain access to and rape at least two girls and molest three others.
A man was charged with sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy he met while coaching bowling. The man, who was previously convicted of molesting a child and was a registered sexual offender, had been charged with second-degree sodomy. And the list goes on.
Hofstra University education professor Charol Shakeshaft estimated that 1%-2% school coaches are sexual abusers. The NAYS (National Alliance of Youth Sports) estimates there are 3 million volunteer and school coaches in the United States, or approximately 6,000 coaches nationwide with records of sexual abuse. While it seems impossible that so many incidences of sexual abuse of child athletes can continue year after year in the United States, the fact is that there are not as many protections in place for child athletes, on school or private sports teams, as most parents believe.
Coaches with winning records have been moved from district to district without charges filed against them for any number of reasons. The bottom line is that parents must take the ultimate responsibility to make sure that the school or organization providing a child’s sports experience is doing everything possible to protect children from sexual predators. Parents should also implement protections of their own to prevent any adult from abusing their child. Using the list below, parents can make it very difficult for a coach who is a predator to abuse a child athlete:
Background Checks.
Background checks are required by some organizations that hire coaches, however it is not mandatory for every sports program. As a parent you are entitled to know if the coaches have received a background check and how thorough and far-reaching the investigation is. Even when a background check is required, parents should understand the checks are not fool proof. Violations that are over twenty years old may not show up, or the coach may have never been convicted of sexually abusive behavior. If a child predator pleas to lesser charges the sexual abuse will not show up on his or her record.
Talk to children about sexual abuse, and the tricks abusers will use on their prey.
Parents must invite their offspring to talk about their sports experiences, and explain to children (without making them paranoid or afraid) what is appropriate conversation and interaction with their coach. Educate children about appropriate and inappropriate coaching behavior, and encourage them to discuss anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, afraid or embarrassed.
Go to your child’s games and practices, and get to know the coach.
Parents should ask questions about their child’s coach and inquire about his or her qualifications. Observe how the coach interacts with your child, and how your child responds to the coach without interrupting the game. Anything that appears inappropriate should be questioned.
Listen.
The best sign that a child has been sexually abused is when the child states that he or she was abused. Children often are afraid to tell anyone that they have been abused, so when they do, listen carefully and be prepared to take the necessary steps to protect your child.
Look for the signs of sexual abuse.
• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Difficulty at school— drop in grades, behavioral problems, or truancy
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Develops new or unusual fear of the coach people or places
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
· Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
Establish the rule that your child should not travel or be alone with the coach.
Sleep over’s and time spent with the coach at his or her home and other places away from the location where the team meets or where your child is alone with the coach should be avoided at all costs. Explain this rule to the coach and to your child.
Communicate with other parents.
Establish a buddy system with other parents. Talk about the sports experience with other parents and set up car-pooling etc., so your child is not left alone at practices or games.
While there are many instances of sexual abuse in sports, there are also thousands of safe sports environments for kids, and the vast majority of coaches are excellent people that your children are safe with and can be trusted. It is up to all of us to make appropriate reports when foul play is suspected, and to support the coaches that are dedicated to making children’s sports the positive experience it should be.
For further information about how to keep your child safe in sports:
Child Help USA
National hotline and website offers support in response to all child abuse and can link you to local reporting agencies.
1.800.422.4453
www.childhelpusa.org/
National Council of Youth Sports Child Safety Packet including the official NCYS Recommended Guidelines for Background Check Screening in Nonprofit Youth-Serving Organizations
Call NCYS at 772-781-1452 or email youthsports@ncys.org.
To report sexual abuse of a child by a non-family member call your local or state police department or law enforcement office.
Cathleen Williams, RN Esq. is a registered nurse and attorney with a private law practice in New York City. She is the author of Single Mother the New Father, Volume 1 Sports- The Mother’s Playing Field.
A 61-year-old coach of a girls’ soccer team in Virginia was arrested on charges of producing child pornography by secretly videotaping girls changing into bathing suits at his home.
A 44-year-old man was alleged to have used his position as a father, neighbor and youth basketball coach to gain access to and rape at least two girls and molest three others.
A man was charged with sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy he met while coaching bowling. The man, who was previously convicted of molesting a child and was a registered sexual offender, had been charged with second-degree sodomy. And the list goes on.
Hofstra University education professor Charol Shakeshaft estimated that 1%-2% school coaches are sexual abusers. The NAYS (National Alliance of Youth Sports) estimates there are 3 million volunteer and school coaches in the United States, or approximately 6,000 coaches nationwide with records of sexual abuse. While it seems impossible that so many incidences of sexual abuse of child athletes can continue year after year in the United States, the fact is that there are not as many protections in place for child athletes, on school or private sports teams, as most parents believe.
Coaches with winning records have been moved from district to district without charges filed against them for any number of reasons. The bottom line is that parents must take the ultimate responsibility to make sure that the school or organization providing a child’s sports experience is doing everything possible to protect children from sexual predators. Parents should also implement protections of their own to prevent any adult from abusing their child. Using the list below, parents can make it very difficult for a coach who is a predator to abuse a child athlete:
Background Checks.
Background checks are required by some organizations that hire coaches, however it is not mandatory for every sports program. As a parent you are entitled to know if the coaches have received a background check and how thorough and far-reaching the investigation is. Even when a background check is required, parents should understand the checks are not fool proof. Violations that are over twenty years old may not show up, or the coach may have never been convicted of sexually abusive behavior. If a child predator pleas to lesser charges the sexual abuse will not show up on his or her record.
Talk to children about sexual abuse, and the tricks abusers will use on their prey.
Parents must invite their offspring to talk about their sports experiences, and explain to children (without making them paranoid or afraid) what is appropriate conversation and interaction with their coach. Educate children about appropriate and inappropriate coaching behavior, and encourage them to discuss anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, afraid or embarrassed.
Go to your child’s games and practices, and get to know the coach.
Parents should ask questions about their child’s coach and inquire about his or her qualifications. Observe how the coach interacts with your child, and how your child responds to the coach without interrupting the game. Anything that appears inappropriate should be questioned.
Listen.
The best sign that a child has been sexually abused is when the child states that he or she was abused. Children often are afraid to tell anyone that they have been abused, so when they do, listen carefully and be prepared to take the necessary steps to protect your child.
Look for the signs of sexual abuse.
• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Difficulty at school— drop in grades, behavioral problems, or truancy
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Develops new or unusual fear of the coach people or places
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
· Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
Establish the rule that your child should not travel or be alone with the coach.
Sleep over’s and time spent with the coach at his or her home and other places away from the location where the team meets or where your child is alone with the coach should be avoided at all costs. Explain this rule to the coach and to your child.
Communicate with other parents.
Establish a buddy system with other parents. Talk about the sports experience with other parents and set up car-pooling etc., so your child is not left alone at practices or games.
While there are many instances of sexual abuse in sports, there are also thousands of safe sports environments for kids, and the vast majority of coaches are excellent people that your children are safe with and can be trusted. It is up to all of us to make appropriate reports when foul play is suspected, and to support the coaches that are dedicated to making children’s sports the positive experience it should be.
For further information about how to keep your child safe in sports:
Child Help USA
National hotline and website offers support in response to all child abuse and can link you to local reporting agencies.
1.800.422.4453
www.childhelpusa.org/
National Council of Youth Sports Child Safety Packet including the official NCYS Recommended Guidelines for Background Check Screening in Nonprofit Youth-Serving Organizations
Call NCYS at 772-781-1452 or email youthsports@ncys.org.
To report sexual abuse of a child by a non-family member call your local or state police department or law enforcement office.
Cathleen Williams, RN Esq. is a registered nurse and attorney with a private law practice in New York City. She is the author of Single Mother the New Father, Volume 1 Sports- The Mother’s Playing Field.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Are they failing in society or is society failing them? 3 Ways to Alter The Quandary Facing Young African American Men
Are young black men failing society or is society misunderstanding or overgeneralizing these young men and the choices they make? I have a theory/observation. This is not a scientific column backed by documented research, because even though I did research on this topic, there was little other than life experience, the experience of friends and colleagues and divine inspiration that lead me to support my theory. So I ask that you indulge me for a moment and consider the possibility that maybe just maybe there is a side to this dropout conversation that is being overlooked.
Last weekend I attended a college preparation program that featured a panel of college students who told the high school-ers in the audience what college is like, how to get in, stay in and do well. One young man mesmerized the crowd when he told his story. You could hear a pin drop in this room of about 100 teenagers and their parents. No one moved. MM is a student at City University of New York in the MD program. He is an intelligent, very mature, responsible and caring young man. When he spoke about his choice to attend City College he stated without shame or hesitation that his mother, that he could not go away because his mother is a single mom and needs to be protected. He did not provide circumstances or particulars, but he was adamant about the fact that while he was going on to become a doctor, he would not do so in such a way that his mother would be left to fend for herself.
As he spoke, I could feel the love this young man had for his mother. I could just sense how much she did for him. I could smell the lunches, the cookies and the breakfast in the morning and feel the aches in her bones from being up late nights doing whatever she could to make sure he would be able to focus on his schoolwork. I could hear her pleas for support and resources for her son, and my knees began to burn and tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there and watched this young man, just from the thought of the many nights his mother spent on her knees crying out to God as she prayed for her son. This young man was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, without even seeming to notice it.
I recognized his stature. I recognized his heart, I recognized my life in his eyes. You see my son, although he went away to school, has the same concern about me. He loves me, and just like MM he appreciates all that I did for him as a single mother. He also cares deeply about my well-being and like it or not, he walks in the role of protector and provider-- despite the fact that I always told him that I am the parent. No matter what, many young men are innately protectors and providers, the question is when does that need to protect their family, their single mothers kick in? And when it does what does the young man choose to do?
If there is no man in the house, it is likely to kick in prematurely, and like MM and my son Sean, many young black men grow up before their time. They may not have had a man at home, but they understand what manhood means and they step up way too soon, even when not encouraged by their moms to do so. Society demands it of them. They have to worry about police, crime, death, healthy issues, peer pressure, gang violence, drugs, girls, identity and more. They take all this on and they still realize that real men are responsible. They are protectors, providers, they do what they must to make sure that their family is well. Real men take care of their business, even if they are 16 years old in high school and struggling with their grades. They will not ask a struggling single mother for money. They will not leave their mom alone to fend for herself. They will not ask for money if they are in school and she just lost her job.
They worry if the family is about to be evicted. They cannot help themselves. The choices they make to help out may not be good ones, but they will not sit idly by and let the family go down without doing something. Not the responsible and caring young men.
For those young men who are not doing well in school from their early grades, having been routed through special education classes, failing grades, suspensions, poor standardized test scores, substandard educational programs and more... logic may say "I am not accomplishing anything in school, my family needs to eat... Let me drop-out and make some money.." That is the critical moment, and by then the system has already failed these young men.
When this revelation hit me after listening to MM intently - I wondered what happens to the the young men who like he and my son did excel, but are unable to cover the costs associated with college. I spoke to a friend about it and he shared an interesting story with me. A young man he mentors is one such student, good grades, excellent focus, great potential, but he would not apply to college. Deadlines came and went, and everyone was asking this young man why he would not just submit the applications. With his grades, he was a shoe in for some of the best universities in the country. After much prodding and near threatening him to submit his college applications he confessed to my friend that his single mom simply did not have the 65 dollar application fee. Embarrassed, ashamed, unsure what to do or who to turn to for money, this young man would rather suffer in silence and forgo college than burden his mother or ask someone else for the application fees. Yes, I know fees are often waived, I know anyone would likely have given this young man the money had he asked, but in his mind he had to do this on his own. My friend cut the young man a check right on the spot and within 24 hours the college application was submitted. That was a young man with a mentor. What about all the young men without a man like my friend in their lives?
Are these young men failures? Are they just bad boys who cannot do the work and are headed for prison? Are they mentally unstable products of special education who cannot do any better, or is it that maybe no one has dedicated time, resources, focus and concern enough to help these young men work through their problems and overcome the obstacles? Children are not here on earth to raise themselves. None of us can get through life alone. No matter how smart, how rich, how blessed. I submit to the world that the 60 percent or more of young black men who drop out of high school do not do so because they dream of being a high school drop-out hanging on the corner, listening to Lil Wayne. I just do not believe it. Nor do I think that every young man who is selling drugs, pimping, and living a life of crime dreamed of living such a life.
I certainly do not condone the choice to be a criminal, but I do believe that as a society we must reconsider how we are educating our children, and look at what is going on in their lives and their homes. It is not good enough to allow young men and women to walk through life at tender ages with 800lb gorillas on their backs.
Each case requires further investigation, but I know enough young men to know that many of them have had to grow up way before their time. Yes, the absence of fathers is a problem. A major problem. So is the absence of male mentors, quality teachers, straight talk, resources and cash.
As a nation it is essential that we refuse to accept an epidemic of drop-outs among any population of students in the United States, gender, race or nationality notwithstanding. Throwing all black boys in the cesspool of incompetence and ignorance is the easy way out. What we have to do is look for ways to change the outcome, and be on hand to help black boys improve their academic experience from the day they begin the school experience. Looking at high school is a little very very late. Let's start early, let's push hard and let's shift this paradigm. First, let's change our conversation about black boys and education from what is negative to what is possible. All this negative talk about black boys and the dismal education statistics creates a mindset of failure in a young boy before he even enters middle school.
Second, let's find a way to make it lucrative and inviting for qualified young black men who do make it through college successfully to become teachers. Men need to see men in the classroom. And Finally, third, find a young man, your child or not, and encourage him to go to college. To go to college he has to graduate from high school with the right type of diploma. Not every diploma will get you into college and the local/GED diplomas may not be accepted for college admission or certain employment positions, and are disproportionately issued to young black men. If we as a community of caring adults set the eyes of young black men on college from the time they are in elementary school, and guide them adequately through academia- graduation from high school is implied and far more likely. We
Blessings,
Cathleen
Last weekend I attended a college preparation program that featured a panel of college students who told the high school-ers in the audience what college is like, how to get in, stay in and do well. One young man mesmerized the crowd when he told his story. You could hear a pin drop in this room of about 100 teenagers and their parents. No one moved. MM is a student at City University of New York in the MD program. He is an intelligent, very mature, responsible and caring young man. When he spoke about his choice to attend City College he stated without shame or hesitation that his mother, that he could not go away because his mother is a single mom and needs to be protected. He did not provide circumstances or particulars, but he was adamant about the fact that while he was going on to become a doctor, he would not do so in such a way that his mother would be left to fend for herself.
As he spoke, I could feel the love this young man had for his mother. I could just sense how much she did for him. I could smell the lunches, the cookies and the breakfast in the morning and feel the aches in her bones from being up late nights doing whatever she could to make sure he would be able to focus on his schoolwork. I could hear her pleas for support and resources for her son, and my knees began to burn and tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there and watched this young man, just from the thought of the many nights his mother spent on her knees crying out to God as she prayed for her son. This young man was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, without even seeming to notice it.
I recognized his stature. I recognized his heart, I recognized my life in his eyes. You see my son, although he went away to school, has the same concern about me. He loves me, and just like MM he appreciates all that I did for him as a single mother. He also cares deeply about my well-being and like it or not, he walks in the role of protector and provider-- despite the fact that I always told him that I am the parent. No matter what, many young men are innately protectors and providers, the question is when does that need to protect their family, their single mothers kick in? And when it does what does the young man choose to do?
If there is no man in the house, it is likely to kick in prematurely, and like MM and my son Sean, many young black men grow up before their time. They may not have had a man at home, but they understand what manhood means and they step up way too soon, even when not encouraged by their moms to do so. Society demands it of them. They have to worry about police, crime, death, healthy issues, peer pressure, gang violence, drugs, girls, identity and more. They take all this on and they still realize that real men are responsible. They are protectors, providers, they do what they must to make sure that their family is well. Real men take care of their business, even if they are 16 years old in high school and struggling with their grades. They will not ask a struggling single mother for money. They will not leave their mom alone to fend for herself. They will not ask for money if they are in school and she just lost her job.
They worry if the family is about to be evicted. They cannot help themselves. The choices they make to help out may not be good ones, but they will not sit idly by and let the family go down without doing something. Not the responsible and caring young men.
For those young men who are not doing well in school from their early grades, having been routed through special education classes, failing grades, suspensions, poor standardized test scores, substandard educational programs and more... logic may say "I am not accomplishing anything in school, my family needs to eat... Let me drop-out and make some money.." That is the critical moment, and by then the system has already failed these young men.
When this revelation hit me after listening to MM intently - I wondered what happens to the the young men who like he and my son did excel, but are unable to cover the costs associated with college. I spoke to a friend about it and he shared an interesting story with me. A young man he mentors is one such student, good grades, excellent focus, great potential, but he would not apply to college. Deadlines came and went, and everyone was asking this young man why he would not just submit the applications. With his grades, he was a shoe in for some of the best universities in the country. After much prodding and near threatening him to submit his college applications he confessed to my friend that his single mom simply did not have the 65 dollar application fee. Embarrassed, ashamed, unsure what to do or who to turn to for money, this young man would rather suffer in silence and forgo college than burden his mother or ask someone else for the application fees. Yes, I know fees are often waived, I know anyone would likely have given this young man the money had he asked, but in his mind he had to do this on his own. My friend cut the young man a check right on the spot and within 24 hours the college application was submitted. That was a young man with a mentor. What about all the young men without a man like my friend in their lives?
Are these young men failures? Are they just bad boys who cannot do the work and are headed for prison? Are they mentally unstable products of special education who cannot do any better, or is it that maybe no one has dedicated time, resources, focus and concern enough to help these young men work through their problems and overcome the obstacles? Children are not here on earth to raise themselves. None of us can get through life alone. No matter how smart, how rich, how blessed. I submit to the world that the 60 percent or more of young black men who drop out of high school do not do so because they dream of being a high school drop-out hanging on the corner, listening to Lil Wayne. I just do not believe it. Nor do I think that every young man who is selling drugs, pimping, and living a life of crime dreamed of living such a life.
I certainly do not condone the choice to be a criminal, but I do believe that as a society we must reconsider how we are educating our children, and look at what is going on in their lives and their homes. It is not good enough to allow young men and women to walk through life at tender ages with 800lb gorillas on their backs.
Each case requires further investigation, but I know enough young men to know that many of them have had to grow up way before their time. Yes, the absence of fathers is a problem. A major problem. So is the absence of male mentors, quality teachers, straight talk, resources and cash.
As a nation it is essential that we refuse to accept an epidemic of drop-outs among any population of students in the United States, gender, race or nationality notwithstanding. Throwing all black boys in the cesspool of incompetence and ignorance is the easy way out. What we have to do is look for ways to change the outcome, and be on hand to help black boys improve their academic experience from the day they begin the school experience. Looking at high school is a little very very late. Let's start early, let's push hard and let's shift this paradigm. First, let's change our conversation about black boys and education from what is negative to what is possible. All this negative talk about black boys and the dismal education statistics creates a mindset of failure in a young boy before he even enters middle school.
Second, let's find a way to make it lucrative and inviting for qualified young black men who do make it through college successfully to become teachers. Men need to see men in the classroom. And Finally, third, find a young man, your child or not, and encourage him to go to college. To go to college he has to graduate from high school with the right type of diploma. Not every diploma will get you into college and the local/GED diplomas may not be accepted for college admission or certain employment positions, and are disproportionately issued to young black men. If we as a community of caring adults set the eyes of young black men on college from the time they are in elementary school, and guide them adequately through academia- graduation from high school is implied and far more likely. We
Blessings,
Cathleen
Friday, October 1, 2010
Praying or Preying? What do you really know about the man you trust with your son?
Several years ago I was on a panel at a women's conference discussing the issue of HIV/AIDS in the black community. It was in the mid to late 90's, around the time that the first hoopla about men on the DL (Down Low) became popular, and a man on the panel was talking about the deep, dark, ugly secrets of his former life as a man on the DL. As an HIV/AIDS educator, RN/attorney, I was used to this conversation and not much that he had to say shocked me... that is until the panel was over. Mr. Prey (as I will call him here), and I sat down to talk about his work and mine, and compare notes and information. Before long, Mr. Prey was sharing some information with me that he did not discuss on stage. I'm not sure he would have gotten out of the venue filled with women in one piece if he had. He began to tell me, as a favor to me he said, how he managed to trick, manipulate and turn out boys in his church, especially young boys with single mothers.
Mr. Prey was a deacon at his 5,000 member church in Ohio. I had heard of his church when I was a law student at Ohio State, but I had no idea that what Mr. Prey was about to tell me was going on at his well known and highly respected church. He said there were many men at his church, himself included, who were married to women, but slept with men. AKA men on the DL. He explained to me that these men, himself included- do not consider themselves gay, they just simply enjoy sex with men. The name for in the health services community for that population is MSM (men who have sex with men).
Anyway, Mr. Prey said he wanted to inform me that as a single mother I am a target for men on the DL/MSM's. They seek me out, the single mom. Not because they want to date me, but because they want to have an easy to hide relationship with my son. Many single mothers, Prey explained, feel as though they cannot raise their sons alone. They feel they are in dire need of a man to mentor and be a role model for their sons. They are seeking a surrogate daddy of sorts, someone to take Junior out to ball games, to play sports with him and in some instances have "the talk"- you know, the one about sex.
These single moms, Prey said, are often sad, lonely, and looking for potential spouses- an instant daddy for their children. Allow me to point out that many of the men who fit into the DL category are camouflaged as metro-sexual; they are well dressed, well mannered, well manicured, chivalrous and very, very polite. They are a single mother's dream for a spouse- at first blush... no pun intended. If the metro man is married, mom might settle for him simply taking an interest in her son. Married or not, Mr. Prey sizes up his prey and sets his trap. All he has to do is look for the woman without a wedding ring, who shows up in church week after week - young man in tow, and the preying begins. For Mr. Prey, being a deacon made this hunt child's play. It was way too easy. All he had to do was position himself to greet the mom and she-without any prompting- would do the rest.
One wide toothed smile and a hearty "Grace and Peace Sister Single Mom, glad to see you in the house of the Lord", "have a blessed week", or some other saintly greeting and she is off. Talking way to much and giving way TMI ( too much information) moms would unknowingly rattle on and on, providing the preying mantis with all the scoop he needs to set up her son. She provides information about her sons father and how involved he is or isn't. What kind of young man her son is, his school habits, what kind of friends he has, what he does for fun, his education, her plans for him and what he likes to do. Then, according to Mr. Prey, Ms. Single Mom would always ask what programs the church has for young men that she can put her son in. That is when he knew he hit pay dirt.
Listening intently as mighty mouth moms would ramble on and on about how difficult it is to be both mom and dad to a young man, Prey would start planning to set the son up for the DL turn-out. Before long Mr. Prey would be picking Junior up, taking him out alone and laying the foundation for a trusting but dangerously sick relationship, ... all unbeknown to mom and son. Prey would become the young man's best friend, making himself invaluable to him, all while he was still very young. He targeted the mothers of adolescents 12, 13, 14 years of age. During these years, Mr. Prey would engage the boy in intimate conversations that can appear to be seemingly innocent to a young man who doesn't know better. He would talk to him about sex, girls, and let the boy know that their conversations would remain between them. Mr. Prey would promise not to tell the boy's mother anything that they discussed. He would continue this "friendship," never physically touching the young man, for years... until he turned 18 or the age of consent for the state in which the child lived.
Once the young man reached the age of consent, Mr. Prey would make his move. He would begin with a hug that might last a little longer than usual. Then maybe a soft kiss on the cheek. Then an inappropriate touch. If he got resistance, he would back it up and start over again, all the while convincing the young man this activity was normal for men who loved each other and constantly reinforcing that he loved the boy. The young man who now trusted Mr. Prey, a man who has been his friend, confidant and often like a dad to him for years, would seek to please this man, and eventually giving in to Prey's sexual advances. Why is this plan so despicably devious? ? The young man is old enough now to have consensual sex. He is no longer protected by the law, and Prey could rest assured that he would never go to jail for statutory rape, child molestation or abuse. The law would now consider these acts as sex between two consenting adults. No crime, no time.
When Prey finished telling me this story, I had to pray hard while holding my mouth and hands to keep from spitting on him and slapping him upside his head a cazillion times, then stomping him into the ground. I called him a filthy pig- under my breath. I was smart enough to keep a poker face until he told me as much as he was willing to share that night. Prey needed to purge and I needed to know all of his demonic tactics and skulduggery.
So I let him continue. Prey reminded me again and again that single moms are the easiest prey. " You all are so vulnerable. You make it easy for men like me to take advantage of your kids." I am not proud of it, but I did it- a lot." "You just need to know what is going in around you", he told me. And he was right.
I asked him a few more questions and then I said to him, thank you for sharing, but if you ever touch my son or any young man I know, it will be the last boy you ever touch. And I meant it. He looked up at me with look that said, I trusted you, why would you say that to me?- I thought we were cool. I glared back with a look that said every mother I represent trusted you, they thought you were cool.
"I don't do that any more, I finally gave up that life to help the women I hurt," he said back looking down. "Good", I said, as I turned to go to my hotel room to pray and repent for wanting to beat this man to a pulp. I thought about the young men whose life he destroyed with his premeditated, wicked, and stealth manipulation. I thought about the legacy of anguish his down-low antics brought on generations of young men and women. I also thought about all the men who are still doing this to the unsuspecting single moms trusting men on the DL with their sons.
I thanked God that I was always in my son's rear-view mirror. I had him in sports and I was very very visible. I was at the trainings, the games, the practices, the tournaments. I talked to the coaches and I didn't need anyone to take Sean places that I didn't go, because I went everywhere. If he wanted to go to a baseball game, we got in the car and went to Yankee stadium. He liked to watch basketball, I did too- still do, college and pro ball. I loved football, but didn't know much about it, so I listened, learned and watched it anyway. I taught my son tennis and we still spend a lot of time on the tennis court...together. I wasn't always on the court with him, I might be on another court hitting while he played with his friends, but I was nearby. Just like the Dads whose presence kept men like Mr. Prey backed up, I was out there with a watchful eye.
Sean didn't have to suffer when his father was not around to do stereotypically guy stuff with him. I would do stereotypically guy stuff with him. What I could not do, I interviewed and selected men to mentor him- carefully. No one man had the chance to pour into him ideas that were unmonitored and contrary to the principles of our household. Oh, one other thing, I never let any male friends or relatives spend a whole lot of time alone with him either.
This note is not about whether Bishop Eddie Long is guilty or innocent. I am not saying Long is gay, bi-sexual, down-low or not. I am not saying the young men are telling the truth, nor am I suggesting that they are not telling the truth. I am saying that the situation as described by the young men accusing Bishop Long of indiscretions is possible. It happens. In church, in schools, at home, therefore Moms, Dads, Parents please pay attention. Get involved. Watch and be vigilant. Observe your children and teach them what is appropriate and what isn't. Monitor the people who you trust with your children. Just because a person has a title, money, stature or status doesn't mean that they give two hoots about your child. Predators come in all shapes, sizes and income brackets.
Is the man you trust with your child really praying for him, or is he preying for him? You may never know, but if you are always in the mode of protecting your children and protecting yourself, men like Mr. Prey will never get close enough, long enough to carry out their crooked little scheme.
I'm Just Saying,
Cathleen
Mr. Prey was a deacon at his 5,000 member church in Ohio. I had heard of his church when I was a law student at Ohio State, but I had no idea that what Mr. Prey was about to tell me was going on at his well known and highly respected church. He said there were many men at his church, himself included, who were married to women, but slept with men. AKA men on the DL. He explained to me that these men, himself included- do not consider themselves gay, they just simply enjoy sex with men. The name for in the health services community for that population is MSM (men who have sex with men).
Anyway, Mr. Prey said he wanted to inform me that as a single mother I am a target for men on the DL/MSM's. They seek me out, the single mom. Not because they want to date me, but because they want to have an easy to hide relationship with my son. Many single mothers, Prey explained, feel as though they cannot raise their sons alone. They feel they are in dire need of a man to mentor and be a role model for their sons. They are seeking a surrogate daddy of sorts, someone to take Junior out to ball games, to play sports with him and in some instances have "the talk"- you know, the one about sex.
These single moms, Prey said, are often sad, lonely, and looking for potential spouses- an instant daddy for their children. Allow me to point out that many of the men who fit into the DL category are camouflaged as metro-sexual; they are well dressed, well mannered, well manicured, chivalrous and very, very polite. They are a single mother's dream for a spouse- at first blush... no pun intended. If the metro man is married, mom might settle for him simply taking an interest in her son. Married or not, Mr. Prey sizes up his prey and sets his trap. All he has to do is look for the woman without a wedding ring, who shows up in church week after week - young man in tow, and the preying begins. For Mr. Prey, being a deacon made this hunt child's play. It was way too easy. All he had to do was position himself to greet the mom and she-without any prompting- would do the rest.
One wide toothed smile and a hearty "Grace and Peace Sister Single Mom, glad to see you in the house of the Lord", "have a blessed week", or some other saintly greeting and she is off. Talking way to much and giving way TMI ( too much information) moms would unknowingly rattle on and on, providing the preying mantis with all the scoop he needs to set up her son. She provides information about her sons father and how involved he is or isn't. What kind of young man her son is, his school habits, what kind of friends he has, what he does for fun, his education, her plans for him and what he likes to do. Then, according to Mr. Prey, Ms. Single Mom would always ask what programs the church has for young men that she can put her son in. That is when he knew he hit pay dirt.
Listening intently as mighty mouth moms would ramble on and on about how difficult it is to be both mom and dad to a young man, Prey would start planning to set the son up for the DL turn-out. Before long Mr. Prey would be picking Junior up, taking him out alone and laying the foundation for a trusting but dangerously sick relationship, ... all unbeknown to mom and son. Prey would become the young man's best friend, making himself invaluable to him, all while he was still very young. He targeted the mothers of adolescents 12, 13, 14 years of age. During these years, Mr. Prey would engage the boy in intimate conversations that can appear to be seemingly innocent to a young man who doesn't know better. He would talk to him about sex, girls, and let the boy know that their conversations would remain between them. Mr. Prey would promise not to tell the boy's mother anything that they discussed. He would continue this "friendship," never physically touching the young man, for years... until he turned 18 or the age of consent for the state in which the child lived.
Once the young man reached the age of consent, Mr. Prey would make his move. He would begin with a hug that might last a little longer than usual. Then maybe a soft kiss on the cheek. Then an inappropriate touch. If he got resistance, he would back it up and start over again, all the while convincing the young man this activity was normal for men who loved each other and constantly reinforcing that he loved the boy. The young man who now trusted Mr. Prey, a man who has been his friend, confidant and often like a dad to him for years, would seek to please this man, and eventually giving in to Prey's sexual advances. Why is this plan so despicably devious? ? The young man is old enough now to have consensual sex. He is no longer protected by the law, and Prey could rest assured that he would never go to jail for statutory rape, child molestation or abuse. The law would now consider these acts as sex between two consenting adults. No crime, no time.
When Prey finished telling me this story, I had to pray hard while holding my mouth and hands to keep from spitting on him and slapping him upside his head a cazillion times, then stomping him into the ground. I called him a filthy pig- under my breath. I was smart enough to keep a poker face until he told me as much as he was willing to share that night. Prey needed to purge and I needed to know all of his demonic tactics and skulduggery.
So I let him continue. Prey reminded me again and again that single moms are the easiest prey. " You all are so vulnerable. You make it easy for men like me to take advantage of your kids." I am not proud of it, but I did it- a lot." "You just need to know what is going in around you", he told me. And he was right.
I asked him a few more questions and then I said to him, thank you for sharing, but if you ever touch my son or any young man I know, it will be the last boy you ever touch. And I meant it. He looked up at me with look that said, I trusted you, why would you say that to me?- I thought we were cool. I glared back with a look that said every mother I represent trusted you, they thought you were cool.
"I don't do that any more, I finally gave up that life to help the women I hurt," he said back looking down. "Good", I said, as I turned to go to my hotel room to pray and repent for wanting to beat this man to a pulp. I thought about the young men whose life he destroyed with his premeditated, wicked, and stealth manipulation. I thought about the legacy of anguish his down-low antics brought on generations of young men and women. I also thought about all the men who are still doing this to the unsuspecting single moms trusting men on the DL with their sons.
I thanked God that I was always in my son's rear-view mirror. I had him in sports and I was very very visible. I was at the trainings, the games, the practices, the tournaments. I talked to the coaches and I didn't need anyone to take Sean places that I didn't go, because I went everywhere. If he wanted to go to a baseball game, we got in the car and went to Yankee stadium. He liked to watch basketball, I did too- still do, college and pro ball. I loved football, but didn't know much about it, so I listened, learned and watched it anyway. I taught my son tennis and we still spend a lot of time on the tennis court...together. I wasn't always on the court with him, I might be on another court hitting while he played with his friends, but I was nearby. Just like the Dads whose presence kept men like Mr. Prey backed up, I was out there with a watchful eye.
Sean didn't have to suffer when his father was not around to do stereotypically guy stuff with him. I would do stereotypically guy stuff with him. What I could not do, I interviewed and selected men to mentor him- carefully. No one man had the chance to pour into him ideas that were unmonitored and contrary to the principles of our household. Oh, one other thing, I never let any male friends or relatives spend a whole lot of time alone with him either.
This note is not about whether Bishop Eddie Long is guilty or innocent. I am not saying Long is gay, bi-sexual, down-low or not. I am not saying the young men are telling the truth, nor am I suggesting that they are not telling the truth. I am saying that the situation as described by the young men accusing Bishop Long of indiscretions is possible. It happens. In church, in schools, at home, therefore Moms, Dads, Parents please pay attention. Get involved. Watch and be vigilant. Observe your children and teach them what is appropriate and what isn't. Monitor the people who you trust with your children. Just because a person has a title, money, stature or status doesn't mean that they give two hoots about your child. Predators come in all shapes, sizes and income brackets.
Is the man you trust with your child really praying for him, or is he preying for him? You may never know, but if you are always in the mode of protecting your children and protecting yourself, men like Mr. Prey will never get close enough, long enough to carry out their crooked little scheme.
I'm Just Saying,
Cathleen
Monday, June 28, 2010
It Takes A Village of Men To Raise A Single Mother
As I face the reality of raising a young man to be a man as a single mother, I am clear that I cannot do this alone. I am also very clear that that state of being a single woman does not absolve my responsibility from participating in the effort, and even designing and coordinating the process. Becoming a man just doesn’t happen because one turns 21, it is a process, and a process that requires desire, guidance, love, understanding, support, prayer, overseeing and men as examples of manhood. That goes for both mother and son.
Not long ago I was increasingly concerned about my son’s changing attitude. He was cranky, short, irritable, annoying, withdrawn and a real pain in the tush. Not sure how to handle it, or to be frank not wanting to get locked up for going upside his head with my bat, I called a good male friend of mine to discuss the matter. What I learned in that conversation propelled me into nonviolence, and another dimension of mothering. Our conversation reinforced for me that the village for a single mother must include consistent, healthy, strong, wise, confident and sensitive men. I have relied on a village of predominately men for over 22 years to help me raise my son. The village has always been as important in mentoring me as it has been in helping me to raise my child.
Dear D.L.,
“This conversation reminded me why I brought my son to meet you in the first place. Instinctively, after knowing you only for a short time- a couple of days actually, I knew my son needed to know you.
It is my prayer to God that only men, who understood life in such a way that they could speak into Sean's life with love and understanding and guidance...men who can help him understand himself, who could direct him with the example of a life and living that would be a blessing to him, only men of that caliber would appear and speak into his life.
You mentioned that as his mother, I set certain standards and established a proclamation for his life-“son, you will be this sort of person: good, smart, mannerly and do these things (get a good education, work hard,etc.) as my child. The operative word in that sentence, child. So as I move to emancipate my son from the proclamation of his childhood- as you recommended, I see the need to replace that with a proclamation for manhood, and that is simply something I do not have. I thank God for your willingness to talk over these things with me and to mentor me in the things of manhood.
Yes, I would like to ask you to have an open discussion with him. I respect your wisdom and I appreciate that you understand and respect my role as his mother so much so that you would ask my permission to speak freely to him. That you want to be careful not to confuse him or dispute me by speaking something to him that goes against what I raised him to believe. However to avoid the possible problems that are so common in young men today, i.e. illness, anger, skin disorders, rebelliousness, premature fatherhood, emotional and identity issues, and sagging pants - the things that can happen to him if he does not have an outlet to deal with his stress - I humbly yield to your wisdom, I seek to know more and to do what is necessary to support him in this next level of his life.
I will reevaluate all of the teachings I laid down as brilliant science when he was younger, to make sure they are now gender and age appropriate, as I cannot expect that principles that are applicable for women will also be applicable to him as a man.
I cannot expect, nor can any mother expect that solely teaching a young man how to be polite, independent and self-sufficient – the same things we teach our daughters, will make him into a good man. He may be a good person, not a good man. Nor will teaching him how treat women help him to become a man. Dealing with women is not the essence of manhood. It is important, yes, but it does not teach him how to be a man. He must learn that from a man's position and perspective, not the perspective of a woman on the outside of manhood looking in.
It is my prayer to God that only men, who understood life in such a way that they could speak into Sean's life with love and understanding and guidance...men who can help him understand himself, who could direct him with the example of a life and living that would be a blessing to him, only men of that caliber would appear and speak into his life.
You mentioned that as his mother, I set certain standards and established a proclamation for his life-“son, you will be this sort of person: good, smart, mannerly and do these things (get a good education, work hard,etc.) as my child. The operative word in that sentence, child. So as I move to emancipate my son from the proclamation of his childhood- as you recommended, I see the need to replace that with a proclamation for manhood, and that is simply something I do not have. I thank God for your willingness to talk over these things with me and to mentor me in the things of manhood.
Yes, I would like to ask you to have an open discussion with him. I respect your wisdom and I appreciate that you understand and respect my role as his mother so much so that you would ask my permission to speak freely to him. That you want to be careful not to confuse him or dispute me by speaking something to him that goes against what I raised him to believe. However to avoid the possible problems that are so common in young men today, i.e. illness, anger, skin disorders, rebelliousness, premature fatherhood, emotional and identity issues, and sagging pants - the things that can happen to him if he does not have an outlet to deal with his stress - I humbly yield to your wisdom, I seek to know more and to do what is necessary to support him in this next level of his life.
I will reevaluate all of the teachings I laid down as brilliant science when he was younger, to make sure they are now gender and age appropriate, as I cannot expect that principles that are applicable for women will also be applicable to him as a man.
I cannot expect, nor can any mother expect that solely teaching a young man how to be polite, independent and self-sufficient – the same things we teach our daughters, will make him into a good man. He may be a good person, not a good man. Nor will teaching him how treat women help him to become a man. Dealing with women is not the essence of manhood. It is important, yes, but it does not teach him how to be a man. He must learn that from a man's position and perspective, not the perspective of a woman on the outside of manhood looking in.
I recognize having walked thus far through life that what is best for men is not always best for women, but that men will and must do what is right for them, a woman's needs, desires or wishes notwithstanding. Surely a great man will accept a woman in his life as a helpmate, but he will, he must go forward with what he determines to be necessary for himself as man, and seek what prepares him for life as a man, a provider, a leader. To do otherwise is to live for and as a woman.
To do otherwise is to negate the indispensable, intrinsic nature and characteristics of manhood and masculinity.
It is a misguided woman, conflicted by this reality who ignores this fact, yet believes she is effectively raising a man. A woman would perceive herself a hypocrite if she were to teach this to her son, and she would be placing herself at a disadvantage to promote this concept, even to her son, unless she is totally at peace with herself, her role and her identity as a woman.
Women raising men alone often raise them to cater to women, not to be men. The two are not mutually exclusive, however the under developed mind of a woman in the matters of manhood, or the woman unfamiliar with this balance in the developed man has no idea what this balance looks like. Therefore the focus of most women raising men is on women. Not on manhood.
And how can her focus be on manhood if she has no concept or vision of what it is to be a man? It cannot, for she does not know what she does not know!
Worse yet, oftentimes women disagree with men on what manhood is, or what it means to be a man, and often rightly so, because we have often been so mistreated by men. Our concept of men is too often negative. When our sons do something we dislike or do not understand, the mumbling begins... "he is acting just like a man"- as though that is a bad thing. That to be a man is negative and directly opposed to or less sensitive or mature than to be a woman, sending the message to a man (her son) that to be a man is to be someone your mother will not like.
The ultimate dilemma exists in that a woman is striving to raise a man to be something she has distaste for. The truth is that in many cases, a woman has never, in her own life really experienced true manhood. Many of us as mothers have not had positive experiences with men, not even with our fathers. How then can a woman raise a young man to be something she has never touched, smelled, held or experienced. How can she raise her son to be something she has never, ever seen up close and personal- an authentic, wise, confident, sensitive good man? Our definition of a good man in short tends to be "a man who is more like a woman." Not even a man in touch with his feminine side, but a man who is his feminine side. Hence why some women affirm and so love to talk to and be in the presence of men who are gay. They want a man around who is straight but has undercover gay characteristics, a man who is her girlfriend. I have all to many friends who are unconsciously seeking men who believe and treat them as gay men do, yet are not gay. I doubt there is such a thing. Our society tends to castrate men, and ridicule alpha men while simultaneously promoting the nature, fashion sense and sensibilities of gay men. When women do this, what message is sent to our sons? Our daughters? What does it do to women?
It is so rare, in these days and times of single parenting and female headed households that a woman meets an alpha man face to face, that she is likely to reject, challenge or discredit him when she does. Why? Because, he is not like anything or anyone in her memory or experience. The alpha male is an anomaly to her and she would be correct. An anomaly being a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form; an incongruity or inconsistency, the authentic and confident complete man is inconsistent with what she is familiar with, and she seeks to either quiet him or change him to meet her own personally and self serving model of manhood, or in so many words she wants to create in him a man who is more like her. Neither of which encourages, supports or produces a man. It does not work in a relationship; it does not work with a child. The infamous vicious cycle then occurs in that men who are authentically men become uncommon. Women thereby unfamiliar with authentic men and manhood perpetuate the new uncommon man by raising more men to be anything but authentic men. The uncommon man being something she despises, she seeks to change into something more like her, which of course backfires because she is now re-designing man to hate himself and become intrinsically woman. She is essentially playing God- making man in her own image and likeness.
That is partially what is destroying the fabric and fiber of young men. We as single mothers have to seek to truly understand that men are not on earth merely to serve and treat women the way we want to be served and treated. Men have their own path to blaze and it is not at all about us.
I clearly understand, God told me this 22 years ago, raising a man is not a self-serving experience, it is a God given responsibility. Doing it alone is not God's plan but with his support and the heart of The Father, single mom's can provide the foundation for the next generation of men, who will shift the paradigm by becoming men and fathers who reverse the trend of depositing sperm and abandoning children. Single mothers must pave the way for our sons to become men/fathers who will raise the next generations of men alongside the women that bear them---women who understand, love and support men because they are men; not because of what they can do for women. We can do that by effectively building villages filled with men as dynamic and supportive as you are.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on mothering a young man. Thank you also for showing in your daily walk what it means not only to be a man, but to truly be a king. Mothers, sons, daughters and men need your example. God bless you and thank you for being a part of my village. It truly takes a village of men to raise a single mother. That has always been my mantra, and it is no less true now that my son is a young man, because motherhood is never, ever over. I appreciate your willingness to pour into our lives, and thank you for helping me to further define and articulate my purpose.
Cathleen
© 2010 Cathleen E. Williams Enterprises
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