Reflections of A Single Mom

From my blog in Thy Black Man (Reprint)

2012-01-25T13:47:00.002-05:00

Check out my blog on Thy Black Man...If What Black Men Say Is True, I Am A White Woman.

It is drawing some very intense comments. What are your thoughts?

If What Black Men Say is True, I’m A White Woman…

January 23, 2012 by Staff
Filed under News, Opinion, Relationships, Sista Talk, Weekly Columns

12 Comments

(ThyBlackMan.com) “I think that is true, white women are much easier to get along with,” a long time friend said to me over lunch. “White women will stick with the man they love, they know how to hang in there while he builds. A black woman will pull the plug in a minute. White women,” he said looking me straight in the eye, “understand the power of perseverance.”
Chances are you have heard this argument before, and if you are a black woman, chances are you have been in this situation. Normally, I would have immediately pointed out the flawed and stereotypical remarks for what they are, … baloney. However, this time was different. This time I wasn’t listening to some guy on television go on about how great white women are and how black women are worthless. This time I was face to face with a friend of mine, a man I was interested in – up until that day at least. This was not an unintelligent man, quite the contrary. He is successful, competent, hard-working, handsome, well-read and not at all someone I thought would believe such a thing much less say it to a black woman’s face. As we used to say in my youth, those are fighting words. I allowed him to continue uninterrupted, I had to see where he was going with this argument and just how far.
Read more:
http://thyblackman.com/2012/01/23/if-what-black-men-say-is-true-im-a-white-woman/

My Thursday Rant of the Week - Tyrese! Tag You're It!

2011-09-29T10:49:00.000-04:00

So Tyrese gets kicked out of WJKS Kiss in Delaware for talking about liquor stores near elementary schools. Then Tweets it so they have their underwear in a knot about his expulsion. Here is Thursday rant- which I also posted on Your Black World's blog on this subject:

Oh, excuse me... is this the same I Gotta Chick Tyrese? That guy?
The one who could only find two black women for his video filled with women and his response to the why was "I held 2 days of auditions and I went with the best." Couldn't find qualified black models- funny, I hear that all the time from companies in corporate America.
And his co-artists Tyga and R. Kelly. Really? That Tyrese? Tyrese said liquor store comment to get black folks distracted from the mess he is in for casting a certain look and type of woman in his video- hoping the black blogs would pick it up and support him , and on that he was he was right.

Liquor stores should not be so prevalent in black communities period- neither should guys who date young girls. And as for Tyrese in his video I Gotta Chick- he has a drink (liquor) and a cigar (smoking) and a bunch of young girls grinding on anything that walks- including each other(sex) in that same video? What, and I should be happy about this bland statement he made in Delaware? Call me when Tyrese takes a stand like that in New York or Chicago. Maybe I might turn my head. For now, he needs to be boycotted along with the radio station I never heard of in Delaware for making a further mockery out of anyone not sharp enough to see his hypocrisy. I'm Just Saying. Next!

How the Godfather of Soul James Brown Helped Me Deal With Troy Davis' Execution

2011-09-24T14:39:00.004-04:00

Looking for some way to make sense of the Troy Davis execution, I thought over and over again about the fact that he refused his last meal. Not that his act of refusal was more important than any other aspect of this case, but in it - his refusal that is, I was hoping to find some solace. I needed some meaning, philosophical or otherwise, that I could share with my son to help him, heck to help both of us deal with the execution of Mr. Troy Davis--an act that left us both speechless.

I was not sure if Mr. Davis would have refused his last meal had he known that unlike in 2008, he would not be granted clemency. Either way, there seemed to be more to it than met the eye. Was it an act of power, a demonstration of faith, a snub? Maybe it was all of the above. Around the dinner tables of his executioners, however, Davis' name would likely be no more than a bump in their conversation. "We executed that Davis boy tonight, honey, would you "Pass the Peas? Then Mr. Davis' name would probably drift off of their lips until the next execution hit the paper. I decided to look to James Brown for more prophetic song titles to help sooth my angst, and his music was on point. James Brown helped me Get on the Good Foot.

The traditional last meal offered to inmates on death row (Texas last week abolished the last meal tradition), has been in existence since pre-modern Europe. The last meal, considered to have roots in superstition, was a symbolic gesture- more for the benefit of the executioners than the soon to be executed prisoner himself. Accepting the meal typically meant that the prisoner made peace with the host, and willingly participated in a symbolic oath of truce passing on all vengeance. In other words, in accepting the last meal the condemned was believed to forgive the executioner, the judge, and witness(es).

The last meal ritual was also supposed to prevent the condemned from returning as a ghost who would haunt those responsible for their killing. Well, I hope Georgia has Ghost Busters on speed dial.

When they decided to execute Troy Davis, people all over the world lifted their voices and picked up their pens like Mama used to pick up her Lickin Stick and gave Georgia one good whoopin. The opposition to the execution of Troy Davis crosses gender, racial and generational lines. It spans beyond this the nation borders to foreign lands. Mr. Davis' death will not be another notch in Georgia's capital punishment belt. His cause is now much bigger than his questionable guilt.

When Mr. Davis was executed you could have knocked me over with a feather. I had to look around to make sure I was still Living in America. People from all walks of life begged Georgia "Please, Please, Please," Georgia, don't do it. Witness after witness recanted their testimony, and the world watched in disbelief. When it came close to the time of his execution, groups banned together saying in light of all of the evidence you wouldn't dare execute a potentially innocent men, would you? Georgia's reply? Try Me.

So, despite protests in America, Paris and London, petitions signed by hundreds of thousands and pleas from Bishop and Nobel Laureate Desmond Tutu, former US President Jimmy Carter and The Pope himself, at 11:08pm on September 21, 2011 Troy Davis was put to death.

This Is A Man's World, but not for just any man. Lady Justice still sneaks a biased peek through her blindfold in the application of constitutional rights for some men.

As for Mr. Davis, there was new evidence but he would not get a new trial. No lie detector test. No clemency. Nothing. Prepped for the lethal injection, in his final words Mr. Davis again asserted his innocence from his death bed. Yes, Troy Davis Said it Loud, then he closed his eyes for the last time, black and proud, forgiving those who put him to death.

Georgia, like James Brown, I Got The Feeling, your death penalty days are soon coming to an end. Although you think you are Superbad and can do whatever you like, I for one am Gonna Have A Funky Good Time making sure that Troy Davis' death was not in vain. It took me a few days to get over it, but today I can see the silver lining in this cloud and I Feel Good. I spoke with my friends and my son- who was really distraught over your actions- and I know what I have to do, Get Up Get Into It and Get Involved. Here are just a few things I am going to do, and I welcome anyone who wants to change the environment of America for our youth to join me or any cause to make Troy Davis' death a catalyst for positive change.

Susan Taylor

1. I'm working with Susan Taylor to advocate for mentors for at risk youth through her National Cares Mentoring Program. This will help to keep our children safe, focused and on the right track. They need to know that they need NOT become Troy Davis but rather advocate for themselves, their peers and be the change they want to see in this world.

Lisa Nichols

2. I will continue to promote and support Lisa Nichols - listed in Essence magazine as one of the 28 Most Influential Black Women- and her Motivating the Teen Spirit program. Lisa helps young men and women and adults transform their lives, so those headed for trouble can turn their lives around, and those who want to achieve more greatness can get there like she did. Lisa is one of my mentors and I will remain in the transformational conversation to make sure I stay grounded and growing as well.

Judge Hart welcomes Me & 3L Participants

3. I will press forward with my program; 3L: Lawyers, Leaders and Lunch which is designed to increase high school graduation rates of young black men and other youth, introducing them to careers in the legal profession and politics while in public school.

4. I will continue to support fatherhood programs, our children need their fathers at home, and if not at home definitely dads must be active in their children's lives.

5. I will aggressively seek to reach all 10 million single mothers in the US alone with my talks and books for women, primarily single mothers. I will push and ask you to assist me in getting my book series, Single Mother the New Father, a vital book series that provides essential tips for women raising kids and holding up a household on their own.

6. I will continue to use my skills as an attorney and work with my peers colleagues, friends and organizations to prevent such a travesty of justice from ever happening again on my watch.

2010 IMD Great Men of Excellence

7. I will expand my efforts to showcase Great Men of Excellence each November 19, on International Men's Day so the world will see much more than the negative aspects of manhood, especially black manhood. Black men like men of every race are smart, talented, valuable, worthy of respect, and their fate shall not be determined by the prison system.

Yes, Georgia - look out because it's on like Popcorn. Those of us who were shocked last week by Mr. Davis' death will be mobilized to deflect that Cold Sweat we had when you injected the killer cocktail in Mr. Davis' arm. We will Get Up Offa That Thing because you can't keep us down- so get ready for The Big Payback! Death penalty, don't get too comfortable because those of us who are against you will not give up the fight. Troy Davis is dead, but death where is your victory? I for one was too trusting in the system and that it would work for Troy Davis. I know differently now and I'm ready this time. Death Penalty, Papa's (and Mama) Got A Brand New Bag and Papa Don't Take No Mess.

Cathleen Williams is a practicing attorney, author and advocate for families living in the city of New York.

At School's All Over New York- It's Raining Men!

2011-09-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

This rainy morning in NYC is Dads Take Your Children to School Day. Over 120 schools all over New York from Brooklyn to Buffalo participated and the men were out in big numbers. At 7:30 AM I watched as Dad after Granddad after uncle after Dad walked their children into school buildings this morning. The men did not just drop the kids off, they mingled for a while to hear keynote speakers, have breakfast and at PS 136 they even played a little basketball. Men were all over the schools, whether they were on their way to work, out of work, going in late or coming from work- men filled the hallways and the auditoriums to participate in this eventful and important day. The smiles on the children faces indicated they were happy about Dad being around. One child was overheard telling his friends that his Daddy was next door in the auditorium. The schools treated the Dads well and welcomed them with open arms, telling them to come back as often as they could. The father's networked with teachers, administrators and each other. And some of them talked to me. It was a beautiful sight to see. Look out for my blog and film footage later this week, You can see for yourself, NYC Dads Care!

Blessings,
Cathleen

Dear US Open, How You Treated Serena, It Wasn't Cool-

2011-09-12T15:59:00.071-04:00

Serena in the championship match

Congrats to Champion Samantha Stosur from Australia and to American finalist Serena Williams. BUT, What the US Open did was not cool, if I can borrow the words that Serena spoke to the chair umpire during the match.

Serena Williams, the only American woman standing, ... the only American in the championship at the US Open last night, 9/11 of all days, lost in straight sets to Sam Stosur of Australia. The fact that all of the Americans lost at home is not my primary issue. That happens a lot at the Open. As a matter of fact, but for Venus and Serena, we would have lost the majority of all of the major tennis tournaments in the last 10 years. My issue is that on American soil, we are so fixated on money that we chose to ignore the best interests of the women players in this tournament.

The weather made the Open a challenge to coordinate all last week. Rain delays made it impossible to get the matches in so that the finals could be played on schedule. That said, the women played the semi finals on Saturday- the day that is usually reserved for the Woman's Final Championship match. The women were moved to play the finals on Sunday-normally reserved for the men. The men played the quarters and semi finals on Saturday also, but they were given more than 24 hours of rest and will play their finals a day later on Monday, allowing them a good amount of rest before the final match.

Great, I think the men need the rest, tennis is a grueling game. Hard on the body. But the women need at least 24 hours to rest between matches as well. Here is what happened. On Saturday, Serena played the #1 Seed Wozniacki after the men's match late Saturday evening. Knowing that the winner of the men's match would not play again until Monday afternoon, the USTA should have had the women play first and let the men play into the night. Instead, the women waited while the men played - time that they could have spent recovering and resting up for the Championship match the next day. This decision by the USTA proves that common sense is not so common.

Billie Jean King, Chris Everett, Martina Navritilova, WHERE ARE YOUR VOICES IN SUPPORT OF WOMEN's tennis? Yes we now pay the women well, but do we have to kill their bodies in the process? Most tennis fans suggest that the decision was because the money to be made on a full day of tennis is more important to the USTA than one unlucky American female player.

Why couldn't the women play on Monday giving them the same amount of time as the men to rest. Was it that the USTA wanted to cash in on the Sunday matches? Is is because it is only woman's tennis- no big deal to the USTA or the fans? Is this typical of women's sports? I heard no outcry about this from the commentators male or female. I did not hear any of the women players protest either. Am I the only person who sees a major problem with how the US treated possibly the best American female tennis players in the history of the game? I dare not play the race card, but I must ask this question, had this been Lindsey Davenport, Jennifer Capriotti or the true darling of American women's tennis Chris Everett -would the US Open/USTA have made the same decision? I am just asking.

Women continue to have to fight for equality in professional sports. Even the prize money was unequal for years. The Australian Open started paying women equal prize money to the men in 2000. The French followed and reluctantly Wimbledon followed suit as recently as 2007. The US Open who has paid women equally for over 3 decades still thought it not robbery to make the women play stressful matches back to back.

After I ranted and raved at the television about Serena's loss, I took a step back and watched her response. When Chase reps handed her a check for more than half a million dollars, she grinned like a Cheshire cat and talked about how great her opponent played. And her opponent did in fact play great tennis, but, Serena's level of play was not the same as it was throughout the entire tournament. So, what changed? Serena was visibly pooped. Beat down. Exhausted. Worn out. Mind you she didn't show it physically, but it showed in the way she played. It doesn't seem right to me, and it certainly was not cool.

Serena was fined 2 Grand for the not cool rant

In the second set, Serena was down a set and fading fast into the second set of the match. She was trying to boost her own confidence and she hit a winner- or so she thought, and yelled to herself "C'MON"- as loud as tennis players yell when they get excited. Problem was that the point was not yet officially over and therefore was not yet a winner. The chair umpire penalized Serena for screaming during the point and gave a very critical point that would have been Serena's to Sam. Serena was clear about telling the umpire: "You have it in for me and I promise you, that is not cool."

Well, what was not cool was that she was on the court at that time in the first place. So, taking Serena's words, bold and underscored I redirect them to the US Open and the USTA. Acknowledging that the women play less sets than the men means that you realize that their bodies are different. That putting less stress on the women is appropriate for the professional game. Why then would you have the women play final matches in less than 18 hours after the semifinals? It begs the question and I was flabbergasted, until I took a look at the prize money:

SINGLES (Men & Women - 128 Draws)

Serena and Sam

TOTALS

Winners (1)

$1,800,000.00

Runners-Up (1)

$900,000.00

Semifinalists (2)

$450,000.00

Quarterfinalists (4)

$225,000.00

What the US Open did to the women last night, it might not be cool, but it sure does pay well. As I watched Serena accept her check with a grin as wide as the Brooklyn Bridge, and her gorgeous diamond earrings glistening in the moonlight, I thought let me get back to work helping women understand how to help their children achieve excellence in life through sports. (Single Mother the New Father, Volume 1 : Sports, by Cathleen Williams). Serena's parents did a great job helping her keep focus. Many American's wanted Serena to win last night. I know I did. We can harp about how uncool so may things were, but at the end of the day, she was paid very well and she will be back next year. We can and should write to the USTA in support of the women on the tour, regardless of their race but in the meantime, let's get something positive out of this experience.

What is the lesson? Serena understands how to play this game- literally and figuratively. It is truly a reflection of life. How are you using this experience to help you or your children understand what happened to her last night? Did you explain this life lesson to your boys and your girls? Did you encourage your daughters to see the inequity and to stand up for the women and for themselves when they see injustice, but to not let it ever stop them? Did you encourage your boys to see the similarities in how the women were treated here and how women are often treated in other institutions in their lives? Did you show them that it is not the way they should treat women blindly without seeking the equity in all situations?

Furthermore, unless they are writing a letter to the USTA, there is no point in wasting time being upset over Serena's close to a million dollar loss? Instead teach them to be great sportsmen and women like Serena was last night, and show them that they should always be prepared to win. The most important thing however is that they show up. Take the time to provide them with the training they need to compete effectively in their sport and in life. Show your children what it takes to get to the top and how to conduct themselves when they get there, despite the inequities they may face.

There are very few Americans that made it to the semi-finals of the US Open and Serena was the ONLY American to make it to the Championship. That in itself is a lot of pressure. Add that she is the only black American to get past the round of 16 male or female, and the only black woman besides her sister in the woman's tournament and you get even more pressure. The Williams sisters are the only black women to win a major tennis tournament since Althea Gibson. Gibson, the first black woman to win a major tennis tournament won the French Open in 1956 and both Wimbledon and the US Open in 1957 and 1958, that was over fifty years ago.

Did you know that a black American male has not won a major title since Arthur Ashe who won the US Open in 1968, the Australian Open in 1970 and Wimbledon in 1975? Did you know that Arthur Ashe is the ONLY black American male to ever win a grand slam? Surprising huh? What can your children - whatever their race, learn from those facts?

I wrote a book to help women learn how to effectively use sports to raise their kids, Single Mother The New Father, Volume 1: Sports. If women took advantage of the sports world and understood how much it could help their children, an entire industry could open up to our kids. In this time of economic crises in the United States, it is important to use everything at your disposal to help your children be successful. Sports can help them get a better education, and as shown by the way Serena handled herself in the end last night, it can teach us all an awful lot about life. Just as in life, it is all how you handle yourself, and how you look at things. When you handle the worst of situations and you don't let the situation handle you, even when you lose, you win. Thanks Serena, you taught us well. See you next year!

I'm Just Saying,

Cathleen

Wednesday Inspiration: The Number One Thing You Must Know When Looking For A Mate (and 3 tips to help you close the deal)

2011-08-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

Many people will tell you to write a list of characteristics, both physical and personal that your perfect mate will have. Rarely does anyone show you how to come up with that list or an example of one that works. When I hear people mention what is on their list they often say they are looking for someone who is cute, has a great body, a good sense of humor, likes walks in the park, is tall, dark, handsome, loves his mom, can cook, likes kids and so on...(at least that is what I see most on dating websites).

Those traits/likes etc., do nothing to help you understand if you will get along with that person. It does nothing to get you to the heart of your beloved's heart. The one most important thing to do when deciding what is important in a mate is to keep it simple. It's the little things, the simple things that tell whether your mate has integrity and the capacity for love.

Things like, I rarely get routed to his voice mail - he always takes my calls and he always returns them- he respects me.

She does what she says she is going to do, I trust her word.

She is fresh, clean and showers every day. I just threw that in, but hey hygiene is important, no one wants a stinky partner!

He is never volatile or violent with me, his mother or any other woman. No explanation necessary, I hope.

He is not over the top jealous when I smile at another guy/ she doesn't lose her mind when the waitress smiles at me. She/he is confident and trusts me.

We can disagree then laugh and still enjoy our meal. He/she lives int he real world and we can work things out.

3 Tips to help you close the deal:

1. Don't be so judgmental. Especially those of us in church and who have religious beliefs. Avoid being egotistical and thinking that you are holier than every person on earth.
2. Relax. Just like dogs smell fear, people feel when you are uptight. Take it down a thousand.
3. And finally allow yourself to feel and follow your intuition. You usually have a gut feeling when someone is not right for you. Trust your gut and keep that simple to. You do not need a reason. You do not need validation. You just know. If it feels bad let it go.

Trust that the mate you are looking for is looking for you!

Blessings,
Cathleen, in Effect

Everette Howard, dead at 18. He won the battle but lost the war.

2011-08-09T20:30:00.002-04:00

The statistics say that young black men are about 50% on average to graduate from high school with their white counterparts. In Ohio the graduation rate is 41% for black males, lower than the national average. The racial achievement gap is now greater than the national average. I could cite report after report that states the reading level, the math scores, the higher rates of violence in public schools and on and on lead to a devastating future academically for black males. To top that off there is a documented public school to prison pipeline that is reported in newspapers around the world every year. Add to that single parent households and the numbers of black males who fail in the "system" is said to be even higher.

Everette Howard beat all of those odds. Even in Cincinnati where black male achievement is so low that there is a call to action to reverse the failing trend. Everette, an athlete, ranked in the top ten percent of his high school class. He was captain of the wrestling team, a support to his teachers, he taught Bible study, fed the homeless, and did I say he did great in school? So well that high school was not a deterrent to his success, his three Rs were great actually, he was considered an excellent writer. He beat the odds, graduated high school and was on his way to college. On scholarship. For two sports, wrestling and football. This young man made it. Except for one thing, in his desire to stop a fight, he was in a confrontation with police. Police who likely knew that according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics(BJS), black males are incarcerated at a rate more than 6.5 times that of white males. Maybe the campus police at the University of Cincinnati assumed Everette was or would be the 1 in 8 black males in prison on any given day. Maybe, because so few make it to college, maybe because there are so few present in comparison to their white counterparts on any college campus...maybe these campus police assumed he had no right to be there, that he was a threat. Maybe they could not imagine that an 18 year old black male on a college campus was in an Upward Bound program two weeks shy of beginning his own college career. Maybe that is why young Everette Howard, was tasered by a campus police officer when he approached them at University of Cincinnati last weekend. Maybe, the officer was so shocked to see a young black man doing the right thing the right way was such a shock to his reality that his first thought was to taser him and then handcuff him on the ground.

Is the problem that the officer responded to his reality, that only 6 % of the students on the UC campus are black? That only 3.6% of the faculty at UC are black? Is it that the campus police officer sees so few black people, least of which are black male students on college campuses around the country including his own, that he assumed that this young man made him feel unsafe? The officer made the decision that Everette Howard deserved to be tasered, not listened to, despite the fact that Everette was the one who was on the side of peace and safety, for which the officer himself stands.

Lastly, let me say this. In all of the commentary about Everette Howard we see mention of his mother and in some articles it says his parents. In one video of his mom we see her with an unidentified woman holding her hand. There has been no mention of Everette's dad. I wonder why that is? This young man has a father. Somewhere. Even if he passed away he has a dad. I wonder why in so many articles about young men, their fathers are not mentioned? It bothers me to see this. There is the assumption particularly when the boys are black, that there is no man in the mix. Even I assumed he is the son of a single mom, but there is no mention one way or the other of his mother's marital status. This is a message to fathers of black young men: the world needs to see men hurting, crying, caring and fighting for your children, too. Black boys are in a battle for status, excellence and achievement.

Black boys need of mentors, fathers, examples and support to help them avoid prison, death and statistics that predict their demise in so many different ways. Even when they are successful, like Everette was, they may win the battle. Everette did. This young man, on his way to college and even more success--a good guy, one who made it past all of the doom and gloom predicted for black boys and young black men. He made it, he won the battle. But until we make changes in the reality of what "is" for black men in America, until the hearts and minds of everyone watching-- including police, especially police-- changes, black men will continue to lose the war. And the outcome of the war affects us all- every color, every gender every creed.

Blessings,
Cathleen

What happened on campus and the messsage from Everette's mom.

Black Boys Report

Wednesday Inspiration: Beautiful People Do Not Just Happen

2011-08-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

In short, if you have struggled, you have fought the fight worth fighting. Beautiful people are not born, but they do grow.

Maid, Mother, Victim

2011-08-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

A recent article in Newsweek, "The Maid's Tale," by Christopher Dickey, tells the story of IMF President Dominique Strauss-Kahn's alleged rape victim Nafissatou Diallo, a hotel maid at Sofitel in New York. In assembling the case defending Strauss-Kahn, Diallo's entire background is being questioned, from her relationships with seemingly nefarious persons to her role as a single mother. But is it fair to bring Diallo's single motherhood into the case against her statements? Working as a hotel maid, Diallo makes $25 per hour, and her days are not short. One has to ask, is the Strauss-Kahn defense asking the right questions? Why would they seem to believe that being a single mother would implicate falsehood in Diallo's statements? The role, as we know, is not a negative one, but rather one that takes strength beyond what most parents can understand. Shouldn't being a single mother instead show Diallo's positive qualities, of being able to provide a decent life for her family? Perhaps the Strauss-Kahn defense should be asking if her family is happy, provided for, and has a healthy home life, as being a single mother should not be thought of as a detriment to one's character. What do you think?

Wednesday Inspiration

2011-07-27T17:55:00.000-04:00

In our lives as parents, it's so easy to take each day for granted. We know what it is to love a child, of course, but it never hurts to remind ourselves every now and again. Here is your first of many doses of Wednesday Inspiration, for that time of the week when you may need it most.
Blessings,

Cathleen

Is Your Child’s Coach a Sexual Predator? by Cathleen Williams, Esq.

2011-02-21T21:44:00.000-05:00

A suit filed in March of 2010 brought major allegations about widespread sexual abuse of young swimmers throughout USA Swimming. The suit claims since 1993, at least 32 swim coaches at clubs around the country allegedly abused their swimmers.
A 61-year-old coach of a girls’ soccer team in Virginia was arrested on charges of producing child pornography by secretly videotaping girls changing into bathing suits at his home.

A 44-year-old man was alleged to have used his position as a father, neighbor and youth basketball coach to gain access to and rape at least two girls and molest three others.

A man was charged with sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy he met while coaching bowling. The man, who was previously convicted of molesting a child and was a registered sexual offender, had been charged with second-degree sodomy. And the list goes on.
Hofstra University education professor Charol Shakeshaft estimated that 1%-2% school coaches are sexual abusers. The NAYS (National Alliance of Youth Sports) estimates there are 3 million volunteer and school coaches in the United States, or approximately 6,000 coaches nationwide with records of sexual abuse. While it seems impossible that so many incidences of sexual abuse of child athletes can continue year after year in the United States, the fact is that there are not as many protections in place for child athletes, on school or private sports teams, as most parents believe.
Coaches with winning records have been moved from district to district without charges filed against them for any number of reasons. The bottom line is that parents must take the ultimate responsibility to make sure that the school or organization providing a child’s sports experience is doing everything possible to protect children from sexual predators. Parents should also implement protections of their own to prevent any adult from abusing their child. Using the list below, parents can make it very difficult for a coach who is a predator to abuse a child athlete:
Background Checks.
Background checks are required by some organizations that hire coaches, however it is not mandatory for every sports program. As a parent you are entitled to know if the coaches have received a background check and how thorough and far-reaching the investigation is. Even when a background check is required, parents should understand the checks are not fool proof. Violations that are over twenty years old may not show up, or the coach may have never been convicted of sexually abusive behavior. If a child predator pleas to lesser charges the sexual abuse will not show up on his or her record.

Talk to children about sexual abuse, and the tricks abusers will use on their prey.
Parents must invite their offspring to talk about their sports experiences, and explain to children (without making them paranoid or afraid) what is appropriate conversation and interaction with their coach. Educate children about appropriate and inappropriate coaching behavior, and encourage them to discuss anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, afraid or embarrassed.

Go to your child’s games and practices, and get to know the coach.
Parents should ask questions about their child’s coach and inquire about his or her qualifications. Observe how the coach interacts with your child, and how your child responds to the coach without interrupting the game. Anything that appears inappropriate should be questioned.

Listen.
The best sign that a child has been sexually abused is when the child states that he or she was abused. Children often are afraid to tell anyone that they have been abused, so when they do, listen carefully and be prepared to take the necessary steps to protect your child.

Look for the signs of sexual abuse.
• Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
• Seems distracted or distant at odd times
• Difficulty at school— drop in grades, behavioral problems, or truancy
• Has a sudden change in eating habits
• Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
• Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
• Develops new or unusual fear of the coach people or places
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
• Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge
• Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
· Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth

Establish the rule that your child should not travel or be alone with the coach.
Sleep over’s and time spent with the coach at his or her home and other places away from the location where the team meets or where your child is alone with the coach should be avoided at all costs. Explain this rule to the coach and to your child.

Communicate with other parents.
Establish a buddy system with other parents. Talk about the sports experience with other parents and set up car-pooling etc., so your child is not left alone at practices or games.

While there are many instances of sexual abuse in sports, there are also thousands of safe sports environments for kids, and the vast majority of coaches are excellent people that your children are safe with and can be trusted. It is up to all of us to make appropriate reports when foul play is suspected, and to support the coaches that are dedicated to making children’s sports the positive experience it should be.

For further information about how to keep your child safe in sports:
Child Help USA
National hotline and website offers support in response to all child abuse and can link you to local reporting agencies.
1.800.422.4453
www.childhelpusa.org/
National Council of Youth Sports Child Safety Packet including the official NCYS Recommended Guidelines for Background Check Screening in Nonprofit Youth-Serving Organizations
Call NCYS at 772-781-1452 or email youthsports@ncys.org.

To report sexual abuse of a child by a non-family member call your local or state police department or law enforcement office.

Cathleen Williams, RN Esq. is a registered nurse and attorney with a private law practice in New York City. She is the author of Single Mother the New Father, Volume 1 Sports- The Mother’s Playing Field.

Are they failing in society or is society failing them? 3 Ways to Alter The Quandary Facing Young African American Men

2011-02-04T07:27:00.001-05:00

Are young black men failing society or is society misunderstanding or overgeneralizing these young men and the choices they make? I have a theory/observation. This is not a scientific column backed by documented research, because even though I did research on this topic, there was little other than life experience, the experience of friends and colleagues and divine inspiration that lead me to support my theory. So I ask that you indulge me for a moment and consider the possibility that maybe just maybe there is a side to this dropout conversation that is being overlooked.

Last weekend I attended a college preparation program that featured a panel of college students who told the high school-ers in the audience what college is like, how to get in, stay in and do well. One young man mesmerized the crowd when he told his story. You could hear a pin drop in this room of about 100 teenagers and their parents. No one moved. MM is a student at City University of New York in the MD program. He is an intelligent, very mature, responsible and caring young man. When he spoke about his choice to attend City College he stated without shame or hesitation that his mother, that he could not go away because his mother is a single mom and needs to be protected. He did not provide circumstances or particulars, but he was adamant about the fact that while he was going on to become a doctor, he would not do so in such a way that his mother would be left to fend for herself.

As he spoke, I could feel the love this young man had for his mother. I could just sense how much she did for him. I could smell the lunches, the cookies and the breakfast in the morning and feel the aches in her bones from being up late nights doing whatever she could to make sure he would be able to focus on his schoolwork. I could hear her pleas for support and resources for her son, and my knees began to burn and tears welled up in my eyes as I stood there and watched this young man, just from the thought of the many nights his mother spent on her knees crying out to God as she prayed for her son. This young man was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, without even seeming to notice it.

I recognized his stature. I recognized his heart, I recognized my life in his eyes. You see my son, although he went away to school, has the same concern about me. He loves me, and just like MM he appreciates all that I did for him as a single mother. He also cares deeply about my well-being and like it or not, he walks in the role of protector and provider-- despite the fact that I always told him that I am the parent. No matter what, many young men are innately protectors and providers, the question is when does that need to protect their family, their single mothers kick in? And when it does what does the young man choose to do?

If there is no man in the house, it is likely to kick in prematurely, and like MM and my son Sean, many young black men grow up before their time. They may not have had a man at home, but they understand what manhood means and they step up way too soon, even when not encouraged by their moms to do so. Society demands it of them. They have to worry about police, crime, death, healthy issues, peer pressure, gang violence, drugs, girls, identity and more. They take all this on and they still realize that real men are responsible. They are protectors, providers, they do what they must to make sure that their family is well. Real men take care of their business, even if they are 16 years old in high school and struggling with their grades. They will not ask a struggling single mother for money. They will not leave their mom alone to fend for herself. They will not ask for money if they are in school and she just lost her job.

They worry if the family is about to be evicted. They cannot help themselves. The choices they make to help out may not be good ones, but they will not sit idly by and let the family go down without doing something. Not the responsible and caring young men.

For those young men who are not doing well in school from their early grades, having been routed through special education classes, failing grades, suspensions, poor standardized test scores, substandard educational programs and more... logic may say "I am not accomplishing anything in school, my family needs to eat... Let me drop-out and make some money.." That is the critical moment, and by then the system has already failed these young men.

When this revelation hit me after listening to MM intently - I wondered what happens to the the young men who like he and my son did excel, but are unable to cover the costs associated with college. I spoke to a friend about it and he shared an interesting story with me. A young man he mentors is one such student, good grades, excellent focus, great potential, but he would not apply to college. Deadlines came and went, and everyone was asking this young man why he would not just submit the applications. With his grades, he was a shoe in for some of the best universities in the country. After much prodding and near threatening him to submit his college applications he confessed to my friend that his single mom simply did not have the 65 dollar application fee. Embarrassed, ashamed, unsure what to do or who to turn to for money, this young man would rather suffer in silence and forgo college than burden his mother or ask someone else for the application fees. Yes, I know fees are often waived, I know anyone would likely have given this young man the money had he asked, but in his mind he had to do this on his own. My friend cut the young man a check right on the spot and within 24 hours the college application was submitted. That was a young man with a mentor. What about all the young men without a man like my friend in their lives?

Are these young men failures? Are they just bad boys who cannot do the work and are headed for prison? Are they mentally unstable products of special education who cannot do any better, or is it that maybe no one has dedicated time, resources, focus and concern enough to help these young men work through their problems and overcome the obstacles? Children are not here on earth to raise themselves. None of us can get through life alone. No matter how smart, how rich, how blessed. I submit to the world that the 60 percent or more of young black men who drop out of high school do not do so because they dream of being a high school drop-out hanging on the corner, listening to Lil Wayne. I just do not believe it. Nor do I think that every young man who is selling drugs, pimping, and living a life of crime dreamed of living such a life.

I certainly do not condone the choice to be a criminal, but I do believe that as a society we must reconsider how we are educating our children, and look at what is going on in their lives and their homes. It is not good enough to allow young men and women to walk through life at tender ages with 800lb gorillas on their backs.

Each case requires further investigation, but I know enough young men to know that many of them have had to grow up way before their time. Yes, the absence of fathers is a problem. A major problem. So is the absence of male mentors, quality teachers, straight talk, resources and cash.
As a nation it is essential that we refuse to accept an epidemic of drop-outs among any population of students in the United States, gender, race or nationality notwithstanding. Throwing all black boys in the cesspool of incompetence and ignorance is the easy way out. What we have to do is look for ways to change the outcome, and be on hand to help black boys improve their academic experience from the day they begin the school experience. Looking at high school is a little very very late. Let's start early, let's push hard and let's shift this paradigm. First, let's change our conversation about black boys and education from what is negative to what is possible. All this negative talk about black boys and the dismal education statistics creates a mindset of failure in a young boy before he even enters middle school.
Second, let's find a way to make it lucrative and inviting for qualified young black men who do make it through college successfully to become teachers. Men need to see men in the classroom. And Finally, third, find a young man, your child or not, and encourage him to go to college. To go to college he has to graduate from high school with the right type of diploma. Not every diploma will get you into college and the local/GED diplomas may not be accepted for college admission or certain employment positions, and are disproportionately issued to young black men. If we as a community of caring adults set the eyes of young black men on college from the time they are in elementary school, and guide them adequately through academia- graduation from high school is implied and far more likely. We must do this, we can do this, yes we can.

Blessings,
Cathleen

Praying or Preying? What do you really know about the man you trust with your son?

2010-10-01T05:18:00.002-04:00

Several years ago I was on a panel at a women's conference discussing the issue of HIV/AIDS in the black community. It was in the mid to late 90's, around the time that the first hoopla about men on the DL (Down Low) became popular, and a man on the panel was talking about the deep, dark, ugly secrets of his former life as a man on the DL. As an HIV/AIDS educator, RN/attorney, I was used to this conversation and not much that he had to say shocked me... that is until the panel was over. Mr. Prey (as I will call him here), and I sat down to talk about his work and mine, and compare notes and information. Before long, Mr. Prey was sharing some information with me that he did not discuss on stage. I'm not sure he would have gotten out of the venue filled with women in one piece if he had. He began to tell me, as a favor to me he said, how he managed to trick, manipulate and turn out boys in his church, especially young boys with single mothers.

Mr. Prey was a deacon at his 5,000 member church in Ohio. I had heard of his church when I was a law student at Ohio State, but I had no idea that what Mr. Prey was about to tell me was going on at his well known and highly respected church. He said there were many men at his church, himself included, who were married to women, but slept with men. AKA men on the DL. He explained to me that these men, himself included- do not consider themselves gay, they just simply enjoy sex with men. The name for in the health services community for that population is MSM (men who have sex with men).

Anyway, Mr. Prey said he wanted to inform me that as a single mother I am a target for men on the DL/MSM's. They seek me out, the single mom. Not because they want to date me, but because they want to have an easy to hide relationship with my son. Many single mothers, Prey explained, feel as though they cannot raise their sons alone. They feel they are in dire need of a man to mentor and be a role model for their sons. They are seeking a surrogate daddy of sorts, someone to take Junior out to ball games, to play sports with him and in some instances have "the talk"- you know, the one about sex.

These single moms, Prey said, are often sad, lonely, and looking for potential spouses- an instant daddy for their children. Allow me to point out that many of the men who fit into the DL category are camouflaged as metro-sexual; they are well dressed, well mannered, well manicured, chivalrous and very, very polite. They are a single mother's dream for a spouse- at first blush... no pun intended. If the metro man is married, mom might settle for him simply taking an interest in her son. Married or not, Mr. Prey sizes up his prey and sets his trap. All he has to do is look for the woman without a wedding ring, who shows up in church week after week - young man in tow, and the preying begins. For Mr. Prey, being a deacon made this hunt child's play. It was way too easy. All he had to do was position himself to greet the mom and she-without any prompting- would do the rest.

One wide toothed smile and a hearty "Grace and Peace Sister Single Mom, glad to see you in the house of the Lord", "have a blessed week", or some other saintly greeting and she is off. Talking way to much and giving way TMI ( too much information) moms would unknowingly rattle on and on, providing the preying mantis with all the scoop he needs to set up her son. She provides information about her sons father and how involved he is or isn't. What kind of young man her son is, his school habits, what kind of friends he has, what he does for fun, his education, her plans for him and what he likes to do. Then, according to Mr. Prey, Ms. Single Mom would always ask what programs the church has for young men that she can put her son in. That is when he knew he hit pay dirt.

Listening intently as mighty mouth moms would ramble on and on about how difficult it is to be both mom and dad to a young man, Prey would start planning to set the son up for the DL turn-out. Before long Mr. Prey would be picking Junior up, taking him out alone and laying the foundation for a trusting but dangerously sick relationship, ... all unbeknown to mom and son. Prey would become the young man's best friend, making himself invaluable to him, all while he was still very young. He targeted the mothers of adolescents 12, 13, 14 years of age. During these years, Mr. Prey would engage the boy in intimate conversations that can appear to be seemingly innocent to a young man who doesn't know better. He would talk to him about sex, girls, and let the boy know that their conversations would remain between them. Mr. Prey would promise not to tell the boy's mother anything that they discussed. He would continue this "friendship," never physically touching the young man, for years... until he turned 18 or the age of consent for the state in which the child lived.

Once the young man reached the age of consent, Mr. Prey would make his move. He would begin with a hug that might last a little longer than usual. Then maybe a soft kiss on the cheek. Then an inappropriate touch. If he got resistance, he would back it up and start over again, all the while convincing the young man this activity was normal for men who loved each other and constantly reinforcing that he loved the boy. The young man who now trusted Mr. Prey, a man who has been his friend, confidant and often like a dad to him for years, would seek to please this man, and eventually giving in to Prey's sexual advances. Why is this plan so despicably devious? ? The young man is old enough now to have consensual sex. He is no longer protected by the law, and Prey could rest assured that he would never go to jail for statutory rape, child molestation or abuse. The law would now consider these acts as sex between two consenting adults. No crime, no time.

When Prey finished telling me this story, I had to pray hard while holding my mouth and hands to keep from spitting on him and slapping him upside his head a cazillion times, then stomping him into the ground. I called him a filthy pig- under my breath. I was smart enough to keep a poker face until he told me as much as he was willing to share that night. Prey needed to purge and I needed to know all of his demonic tactics and skulduggery.

So I let him continue. Prey reminded me again and again that single moms are the easiest prey. " You all are so vulnerable. You make it easy for men like me to take advantage of your kids." I am not proud of it, but I did it- a lot." "You just need to know what is going in around you", he told me. And he was right.

I asked him a few more questions and then I said to him, thank you for sharing, but if you ever touch my son or any young man I know, it will be the last boy you ever touch. And I meant it. He looked up at me with look that said, I trusted you, why would you say that to me?- I thought we were cool. I glared back with a look that said every mother I represent trusted you, they thought you were cool.

"I don't do that any more, I finally gave up that life to help the women I hurt," he said back looking down. "Good", I said, as I turned to go to my hotel room to pray and repent for wanting to beat this man to a pulp. I thought about the young men whose life he destroyed with his premeditated, wicked, and stealth manipulation. I thought about the legacy of anguish his down-low antics brought on generations of young men and women. I also thought about all the men who are still doing this to the unsuspecting single moms trusting men on the DL with their sons.

I thanked God that I was always in my son's rear-view mirror. I had him in sports and I was very very visible. I was at the trainings, the games, the practices, the tournaments. I talked to the coaches and I didn't need anyone to take Sean places that I didn't go, because I went everywhere. If he wanted to go to a baseball game, we got in the car and went to Yankee stadium. He liked to watch basketball, I did too- still do, college and pro ball. I loved football, but didn't know much about it, so I listened, learned and watched it anyway. I taught my son tennis and we still spend a lot of time on the tennis court...together. I wasn't always on the court with him, I might be on another court hitting while he played with his friends, but I was nearby. Just like the Dads whose presence kept men like Mr. Prey backed up, I was out there with a watchful eye.

Sean didn't have to suffer when his father was not around to do stereotypically guy stuff with him. I would do stereotypically guy stuff with him. What I could not do, I interviewed and selected men to mentor him- carefully. No one man had the chance to pour into him ideas that were unmonitored and contrary to the principles of our household. Oh, one other thing, I never let any male friends or relatives spend a whole lot of time alone with him either.

This note is not about whether Bishop Eddie Long is guilty or innocent. I am not saying Long is gay, bi-sexual, down-low or not. I am not saying the young men are telling the truth, nor am I suggesting that they are not telling the truth. I am saying that the situation as described by the young men accusing Bishop Long of indiscretions is possible. It happens. In church, in schools, at home, therefore Moms, Dads, Parents please pay attention. Get involved. Watch and be vigilant. Observe your children and teach them what is appropriate and what isn't. Monitor the people who you trust with your children. Just because a person has a title, money, stature or status doesn't mean that they give two hoots about your child. Predators come in all shapes, sizes and income brackets.

Is the man you trust with your child really praying for him, or is he preying for him? You may never know, but if you are always in the mode of protecting your children and protecting yourself, men like Mr. Prey will never get close enough, long enough to carry out their crooked little scheme.

I'm Just Saying,

Cathleen

It Takes A Village of Men To Raise A Single Mother

2010-06-28T17:09:00.000-04:00

As I face the reality of raising a young man to be a man as a single mother, I am clear that I cannot do this alone. I am also very clear that that state of being a single woman does not absolve my responsibility from participating in the effort, and even designing and coordinating the process. Becoming a man just doesn’t happen because one turns 21, it is a process, and a process that requires desire, guidance, love, understanding, support, prayer, overseeing and men as examples of manhood. That goes for both mother and son.

Not long ago I was increasingly concerned about my son’s changing attitude. He was cranky, short, irritable, annoying, withdrawn and a real pain in the tush. Not sure how to handle it, or to be frank not wanting to get locked up for going upside his head with my bat, I called a good male friend of mine to discuss the matter. What I learned in that conversation propelled me into nonviolence, and another dimension of mothering. Our conversation reinforced for me that the village for a single mother must include consistent, healthy, strong, wise, confident and sensitive men. I have relied on a village of predominately men for over 22 years to help me raise my son. The village has always been as important in mentoring me as it has been in helping me to raise my child.

My friend shared some very valuable information with me, and in response to that conversation I wrote him a letter (yes I still write letters) to thank him for his time. I decided to share the letter with you here. From my response, you will be glean how important it is for men to talk to and introduce women to manhood on a deep , even cellular level. While I may just be a spectator on the sidelines of manhood and masculinity, I listen and learn and continually readjust my position. I am no longer the mother of a boy, I am mothering a young man- that is a completely different role. I have revamped my village, and continue to sacrifice and evaluate myself as a woman so I can do what it takes to raise a man, with the help and support of my village of kings in my corner. Here is the letter I wrote to my friend after our conversation about single -mothering a young man. Whether you are a man in a village or a woman building one, there is a lot here to ponder. I am not saying it will all work for you, but it should push you to think carefully about how you are raising the next generation of men to be men. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

Dear D.L.,

“This conversation reminded me why I brought my son to meet you in the first place. Instinctively, after knowing you only for a short time- a couple of days actually, I knew my son needed to know you.

It is my prayer to God that only men, who understood life in such a way that they could speak into Sean's life with love and understanding and guidance...men who can help him understand himself, who could direct him with the example of a life and living that would be a blessing to him, only men of that caliber would appear and speak into his life.

You mentioned that as his mother, I set certain standards and established a proclamation for his life-“son, you will be this sort of person: good, smart, mannerly and do these things (get a good education, work hard,etc.) as my child. The operative word in that sentence, child. So as I move to emancipate my son from the proclamation of his childhood- as you recommended, I see the need to replace that with a proclamation for manhood, and that is simply something I do not have. I thank God for your willingness to talk over these things with me and to mentor me in the things of manhood.

Yes, I would like to ask you to have an open discussion with him. I respect your wisdom and I appreciate that you understand and respect my role as his mother so much so that you would ask my permission to speak freely to him. That you want to be careful not to confuse him or dispute me by speaking something to him that goes against what I raised him to believe. However to avoid the possible problems that are so common in young men today, i.e. illness, anger, skin disorders, rebelliousness, premature fatherhood, emotional and identity issues, and sagging pants - the things that can happen to him if he does not have an outlet to deal with his stress - I humbly yield to your wisdom, I seek to know more and to do what is necessary to support him in this next level of his life.

I will reevaluate all of the teachings I laid down as brilliant science when he was younger, to make sure they are now gender and age appropriate, as I cannot expect that principles that are applicable for women will also be applicable to him as a man.

I cannot expect, nor can any mother expect that solely teaching a young man how to be polite, independent and self-sufficient – the same things we teach our daughters, will make him into a good man. He may be a good person, not a good man. Nor will teaching him how treat women help him to become a man. Dealing with women is not the essence of manhood. It is important, yes, but it does not teach him how to be a man. He must learn that from a man's position and perspective, not the perspective of a woman on the outside of manhood looking in.

I recognize having walked thus far through life that what is best for men is not always best for women, but that men will and must do what is right for them, a woman's needs, desires or wishes notwithstanding. Surely a great man will accept a woman in his life as a helpmate, but he will, he must go forward with what he determines to be necessary for himself as man, and seek what prepares him for life as a man, a provider, a leader. To do otherwise is to live for and as a woman.
To do otherwise is to negate the indispensable, intrinsic nature and characteristics of manhood and masculinity.

It is a misguided woman, conflicted by this reality who ignores this fact, yet believes she is effectively raising a man. A woman would perceive herself a hypocrite if she were to teach this to her son, and she would be placing herself at a disadvantage to promote this concept, even to her son, unless she is totally at peace with herself, her role and her identity as a woman.

Women raising men alone often raise them to cater to women, not to be men. The two are not mutually exclusive, however the under developed mind of a woman in the matters of manhood, or the woman unfamiliar with this balance in the developed man has no idea what this balance looks like. Therefore the focus of most women raising men is on women. Not on manhood.

And how can her focus be on manhood if she has no concept or vision of what it is to be a man? It cannot, for she does not know what she does not know!

Worse yet, oftentimes women disagree with men on what manhood is, or what it means to be a man, and often rightly so, because we have often been so mistreated by men. Our concept of men is too often negative. When our sons do something we dislike or do not understand, the mumbling begins... "he is acting just like a man"- as though that is a bad thing. That to be a man is negative and directly opposed to or less sensitive or mature than to be a woman, sending the message to a man (her son) that to be a man is to be someone your mother will not like.

The ultimate dilemma exists in that a woman is striving to raise a man to be something she has distaste for. The truth is that in many cases, a woman has never, in her own life really experienced true manhood. Many of us as mothers have not had positive experiences with men, not even with our fathers. How then can a woman raise a young man to be something she has never touched, smelled, held or experienced. How can she raise her son to be something she has never, ever seen up close and personal- an authentic, wise, confident, sensitive good man? Our definition of a good man in short tends to be "a man who is more like a woman." Not even a man in touch with his feminine side, but a man who is his feminine side. Hence why some women affirm and so love to talk to and be in the presence of men who are gay. They want a man around who is straight but has undercover gay characteristics, a man who is her girlfriend. I have all to many friends who are unconsciously seeking men who believe and treat them as gay men do, yet are not gay. I doubt there is such a thing. Our society tends to castrate men, and ridicule alpha men while simultaneously promoting the nature, fashion sense and sensibilities of gay men. When women do this, what message is sent to our sons? Our daughters? What does it do to women?

It is so rare, in these days and times of single parenting and female headed households that a woman meets an alpha man face to face, that she is likely to reject, challenge or discredit him when she does. Why? Because, he is not like anything or anyone in her memory or experience. The alpha male is an anomaly to her and she would be correct. An anomaly being a deviation from the common rule, type, arrangement, or form; an incongruity or inconsistency, the authentic and confident complete man is inconsistent with what she is familiar with, and she seeks to either quiet him or change him to meet her own personally and self serving model of manhood, or in so many words she wants to create in him a man who is more like her. Neither of which encourages, supports or produces a man. It does not work in a relationship; it does not work with a child. The infamous vicious cycle then occurs in that men who are authentically men become uncommon. Women thereby unfamiliar with authentic men and manhood perpetuate the new uncommon man by raising more men to be anything but authentic men. The uncommon man being something she despises, she seeks to change into something more like her, which of course backfires because she is now re-designing man to hate himself and become intrinsically woman. She is essentially playing God- making man in her own image and likeness.

That is partially what is destroying the fabric and fiber of young men. We as single mothers have to seek to truly understand that men are not on earth merely to serve and treat women the way we want to be served and treated. Men have their own path to blaze and it is not at all about us.

I clearly understand, God told me this 22 years ago, raising a man is not a self-serving experience, it is a God given responsibility. Doing it alone is not God's plan but with his support and the heart of The Father, single mom's can provide the foundation for the next generation of men, who will shift the paradigm by becoming men and fathers who reverse the trend of depositing sperm and abandoning children. Single mothers must pave the way for our sons to become men/fathers who will raise the next generations of men alongside the women that bear them---women who understand, love and support men because they are men; not because of what they can do for women. We can do that by effectively building villages filled with men as dynamic and supportive as you are.

Thank you for sharing your perspective on mothering a young man. Thank you also for showing in your daily walk what it means not only to be a man, but to truly be a king. Mothers, sons, daughters and men need your example. God bless you and thank you for being a part of my village. It truly takes a village of men to raise a single mother. That has always been my mantra, and it is no less true now that my son is a young man, because motherhood is never, ever over. I appreciate your willingness to pour into our lives, and thank you for helping me to further define and articulate my purpose.

Cathleen

Are you single by choice? 8 Ways to Make Sure You Are Not Unconsciously Single

2010-06-22T18:42:00.001-04:00

I used to hate when men would ask me why I was single, as though I had the option of getting married whenever I wanted to. If that were the case the majority of the single women I know, especially the ones approaching 40, who have never been married and never had children would be married! Then I got quiet and really thought about it. That's when I realized I was single by choice...an unconscious choice on my part.

For the last ten years or more, especially on New Years Eve as I prayed the New Year in, I asked God to send me the man of my dreams. "Let him find me this year Lord." Every woman who knows anything about the Bible has heard Proverbs 18:22: He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. Not unlike other singles, men and women who heard this scripture for years, I was inclined to focus on the "he who finds a wife" part of that scripture. Once I meditated on that Word, it dawned on me that I should be looking to the part that pertained to me- the woman, the good thing. That scripture is applicable to you if you are wife material that is a good thing. You do not automatically or magically become a good thing just because you have been found. You can be found by a different man every day of the week, but if you are not that wife type, that good thing- he will throw you back in the pack and keep right on looking. Are you a good thing?

Men and women seeking a mate are often told to make a wish list of all the characteristics they want in a mate. What should he look like, smell like, how tall, how much money, what music does he like how does he treat you on so on. I have nothing against making a list and checking it twice, if it is good for Santa it cannot be all bad. However I offer you the most important advice I can give to anyone male or female who is interested in finding a mate (or being found); concentrate on you. Work on you. Become the good thing that "he who finds a wife" cannot mistake for anything but a good thing. If you are male, then be the he that a good thing would want to be found by! A good thing will not consent to being found by something reprehensible. Therefore my friends, draw unto yourself that which you are.

Women and men who shared their lists with me usually start out with things like he needs to be honest, kind, treat me well and look good. I have more than one girlfriend who wants that tall, dark, muscular man who can sweep her off her feet and make her the envy of every woman on the planet. Only problem is if he sweeps some of these women off their feet he may break that gorgeous muscular back, as those same women are 50 pounds or more overweight. Women who have not seen a muscle in their own stomachs in so long they have to look at a picture of LL Cool J to remember what stomach muscles look like-- want Adonis to be attracted to them. It seems a tad unfair to expect a man to be in perfect form while you can be any weight you want. Women with anger issues, Mommy issues, Daddy issues, ex-husband issues baby daddy drama, filthy homes and rotten kids wonder where all the good men are. Hint, they are in the laundrymat washing clothes, cleaning their own kitchens after they cook a decent meal, cleaning and washing up after their kids go to bed. Yes, men, even single men know how to take care of children and keep house too.

Many of the men I have spoken to and counseled have complained over and over about the lack of quality women. They are looking for a good thing. They run off their lists too- she needs to be beautiful, have a nice body a wonderful spirit, not contrary or controversial and I want her to appreciate me. I do not want a woman who wants to change me. I am who I am they say. At this point I am hoping they are willing to at least change the halitosis that is causing me to step back from them while I search my purse for a tic tac or piece of gum to offer so we can continue our conversation without burning my nose. Out of shape, alcohol abusive behaviors, commitment phobic, marriage phobic, separated not divorced, divorced not separated, kids all over, not supporting any of them but wanting more...some of the men who want Halle Berry or Michelle Obama have major issues too! And I would be remiss if I left out my Christian brothers who believe what the Bible says about fornication, except as it pertains to them. Issues.

My tip to you today, Concentrate on becoming the person you want to date. What does that take? A heck of a lot of work, and I do mean work. Check out these 8 critical ways to make sure you are not unconsciously single by choice:

1. Be willing to be uncomfortable. In order to address your issues you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. It is never easy to deal with your stuff, after all, if it was easy you would have already done it. Deal with the things that people will not say to your face, but that everyone is saying behind your back. And you cannot do it alone. You need a life coach, someone trained in behavior, social science or spiritual things - to help you see what you don't see. Barbara DeAngelis says comfort is for babies. Let go of that security blanket and get to working on your stuff.

2. Admit that you don't know it all. But be willing to listen and learn. It is not easy for adults who have been in relationships for years to suddenly say: I do not know what I'm doing. However, that is exactly what needs to happen. Just like an athlete, no matter how good he or she is, if she is not winning titles she will seek out a different coach, change her strategy and if necessary go back to the drawing board to develop new techniques. Do nothing less in your love life. Evaluate where you are and the results you are getting. If they are not what you want, it is time to make some changes.

3. Get coaching from someone who is willing to go the distance with you. Find a great life coach, a person you trust and feel comfortable with. Your coach should have great insight and be able to see what you cannot see. She or he should help you evaluate where you are, how you got there and how to change. It takes courage, time and sweat equity on your part to look deeply at yourself and your issues. It's hard work. If you are preparing for a mate, allot time to get yourself through the process first. Keep in mind that the person you might have chosen before you do the work is not likely to be the person you would choose after. You will change so your choices should too.

4. Assess your Love Readiness Quotient (LRQ) . When my son was younger, I was raising him as a single mother, working a full time job as an attorney, going to law school at night for a graduate law degree, taking care of my mother who was housebound and needed 24 hour care and I was launching a speaking career and television show. I never stopped to smell the roses and there was absolutely no time for anyone to be a part of my life. I realize now that I routinely packed my plate as high as Mount Everest. Part of that is because I am Jamaican and we all have 15 jobs. It is also because working day and night made it okay for me to be emotionally and physically unavailable. I was never around. I was always working. A woman who is emotionally unavailable will attract the same in a man. I would leave the unavailable guy and go right back to work- being busy, my security blanket. The truth was I was afraid of being vulnerable, hurt and rejected. Work never left me alone, it was always there to keep me company and I began to love it. My LRQ was 0 on a scale of 1-5. What is yours- see quiz below?

5. Prepare yourself and your environment for a mate. Examine your patterns, habits and actions. If you have experienced hurts and battle-scars from past relationships, leave them there-in your past. Now to really ruffle some feathers, is your home neat and clean so that you can entertain someone at a moment's notice? If a date is coming to pick you up, can you easily find everything you need to go out, or are you usually searching for keys, shoes, wallet etc. when it is time to go out? Is your bathroom presentable? When was the last time you scrubbed the toilet and the bathtub( please not with the same sponge). Men, please know that a woman will make a determination about how clean you are when she uses your bathroom. I don't know many women who will not sneak a peak at your bathtub when she uses the facilities. If there is a ring around it that looks like you have been washing oil rigs in there, if she is afraid to sit on your toilet seat, or if you have three months worth of hair shavings in your bathroom sink you may never see her again. A word to the marriage hopefuls, men and women: Clean it up!

6. Get your health in order. Your spiritual, mental and physical health is essential to being marriage ready.
a. Being spiritually grounded is important so you will know what to look for in a mate. Many spiritual people will want someone with whom they are equally yoked, do you? If you do not know what your spiritual beliefs are how can you determine if you are equally yoked with your mate?
b. Mental health is one of the most overlooked areas in many people's lives. Most people men in particular will not discuss their mental stability or lack thereof. Anger management, addictions, obsessive- compulsive behaviors, bi-polar, post traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, sexual disorders are not to be taken lightly, and should be addressed by a professional who can help you overcome and or recognize these health problems in you or your mate.
c. Your physical health will affect or be affected by your spiritual and mental health. Your being is interconnected! Paying attention to one area of your health is not enough. It really is all or nothing.

7. Get moving, eat well and get some sleep. Exercise! You feel better when you look better, you look better when you feel better. And there are so many more benefits to maintaining a physical regimen that is designed for you, your lifestyle and any condition you may have or be at risk of developing. Many physical illnesses can be eliminated or reduced by maintaining a consistent and persistent exercise and nutritional regimen. Hypertension, diabetes, bone disorders, stress and more are related to obesity. Get moving, and make a commitment to eating right and getting the rest you need to stay beautiful, happy and focused on your wedding!

8. Listen, love then listen some more. Probably the most important part of relating to people is the ability to listen and unconditionally love your partner. People rarely listen 100% to what anyone is saying. While your partner is talking are you figuring out what your response is going to be? I always know when someone listens to me because it takes them a moment to respond to what I said. They have to take it in and then think about their own response- even if for a moment. If they cut me off, especially repeatedly, or if their answer is immediate and does not completely address what I said, the little voice in their head was chattering away while I was talking. That said, there is no way they really heard or received the fullness of my comments. Communication is more than just language- only 7% is words, 38% tone and 55% body language. Not paying attention to all of these elements means you could have a lifetime of misunderstanding your mate. Unconditional love is what you pledge before God and a bunch of witnesses on your wedding day. It might be a good idea to get to know what that could mean before you say I do- so take your time getting to know your partner and letting her get to know you- AND the two of you need to know yourselves.

These points are not all inclusive and they are not a one time fix. I suggest striving to make them a lifestyle. As Arthur Ashe said "Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can"---and then do some more!
I wish you all the best in your love preparation and marriage plans. Take the LRQ quiz below to see where you are starting from!

Love Readiness Quotient
1. Are you still married to your spouse ( separated/divorced/living apart in the same home) but are actively seeking a new relationship?
Yes ________    No _________

2. Are you so busy that you have to schedule telephone calls with your partner via text message? Is your communication primarily via text and email?

Yes _________ No __________

3. Do you often think of marriage and can you see yourself married in the next 1-3 years?
Yes _________ No __________

4. Do you talk to your children about how their lives might change if you get married? Does your mate talk to his/her children about you?
Yes _________ No _________

5. Is your home life so perfectly set up for one that you cannot imagine sharing space with another individual?

Points:
1. Yes 0   No 1
2. Yes 0   No 1
3. Yes 1 No 0
4. Yes 1   No 0
5. Yes 0 No 1

Score 5 Highest LRQ Congratulations send me an invitation to your wedding!
Score 4 Good, you have a little work to do but you are on your way to the altar.
Score 3 Hmmm, you need work, get counseling and personal development classes under your belt before you head down the aisle.
Score 2 Uh Oh Spaghetti-O's See #3 and double-up on your personal growth and development classes
Score 1 Single by Choice no doubt about it. If that is your choice, woo hoo! If not, back to the drawing board. Re-read this article and write to me at cathleenwilliams.com or on Facebook at cathleenwilliamsesq and I will send you some advice.

Live your most powerful and positive life!
Blessings,
Cathleen

Cathleen E. Williams, RN, Esq. author of Single Mother the New Father is the host of her own talk show "I'm Just Saying" which airs in New York City on Time Warner Cable and on line at www.imjustsayingtv.com. She is a seminar and workshop leader in the area of men's issues, fatherhood and raising young men. She leads workshops for parents, single and married, and corporations in the area of health, wellness, legal issues in health care and more. Cathleen is the New York State Regional Co-Chair of International Men's Day (11/19/2010) and co-chair of the Father's Forum to be held on August 28, 2010 at the Greater Allen A.M.E. Cathedral in Jamaica N.Y.

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T08:37:00.000-04:00

To the Father's Of the World
by Cathleen Williams

You have the most magnificent role on earth
the most inspiring and expansive ability to affect and influence lives
You walk and people watch
You talk and people listen
When you act, people are acted upon
When you move you move people
And the world experiences your Soul

When you embrace the role of father
In the lives of your children
They hear and respond to you
Instinctively
At the sound of your voice
Like no other voice they will ever hear
They stand at attention
Alert, still, awaiting direction
Your children know the scent of your voice
One that cannot be mocked, mimicked and never replaced

With gratitude and admiration
I watch you with your children
The way you direct them
Correct them
Empower them and touch them
I watch you carry them effortlessly
Smile at them and
Wipe their tears and their noses
Replenish and refocus them and send them out into the world

I watch you feed them
Ask them questions and
Demand quick efficient answers
That are logical, thought out and make sense
I watch you prepare them for the art of war
That you know they will experience daily as they walk this earth
I watch you extract excellence
Morality, responsibility, accountability and power
You prepare them for life, survival and deposit in them providence

You are irreplaceable
Your's is not an every other weekend hobby
You are a full time position
Your accessibility is critical daily, on the phone
In emails, in text messages
Your hugs, your voice your correction and your interest is essential
Your daughter's are affirmed by you
Your sons model you and especially need you
Not to the exclusion of mother
In addition
In balance
In harmony

You are essential to the accurate, balanced and mature growth and development of your children
Your presence and power needed
In a way only a man, a father can fulfill
Without you family is possible
But it is incomplete, not nearly as effective and never, ever, ever
Will you be replaced.

If you didn't know, you are important
If you didn't know, you are needed
If you didn't know, you are necessary
If you didn't know
You are your children's breathing living Superhero
God made you first in His image and likeness and you are a wonder
You are father, you are man
You are magnetically powerful beyond measure
In your unique brilliance, anointing and savvy
You lead you rule and
I salute you
Happy Father's Day

copyright Cathleen E. Williams Enterprises

Cathleen Williams, RN, Esq.
CEO, I'm Just Saying TV, LLC
Speaker, Trainer
Author: Single Mother The New Father